Klaus Hnilica
Friday August 2nd, 2019

It Can Be Done With White – I Know …

Dear Roland,

I understand your desire to promote freedom and your solid belief that this vision of yours must be something we can achieve on this planet (see:  http://if-blog.de/rd/die-teekanne-und-der-frieden/ ), but in my view, the future of the world is white.

Because if our earth were basically white, all would be well. With a little white paint and minimal gen manipulations, this is actually far easier to achieve than, for instance, a removal of the anti-peace testosterone from the male sex.

And the climate change that everybody laments would be practically non-existent, since a white planet would reflect more of the sun’s rays and thus the warming of the earth would be impossible. Moreover, the entire biosphere – i.e. all plants and creatures – would have gotten used to the colour white eons ago. At least in those parts where winter was a matter of course.

But even apart from this, in a white world, all potential conflicts would solve themselves in a white fog: all racism would be obsolete, because all humans would be white. White facial and top hair would further reduce the difference between generations and sexes, especially if everybody wore white clothes.

The number of books would be drastically reduced, because white print on white paper would provide us with totally new perspectives and every man, woman and child would need only one book. Besides, it would be totally irrelevant how many pages such a book has. Except in those cases where you need a particularly thick or thin book in order to stabilize a tilting table.

This aspect would be similarly dramatic in art and photography, thereby reducing the common capitalist intrigues in the art scene to a minimum. And all lamentation that this would mean that such a measure removes the yellow of the egg would be of no consequence, because you would only have the white of the egg. Not to mention the world-wide scourge of humanity: colour blindness. In a single stroke, all humanity would get rid of it once and for all.

Written hate messages would no longer exist in a white world, because if you use white writing on a white surface, you cannot do much and thus you cannot spread hatred. The powerful concerns Appel, Facebook, Alphabet and Amazon would have a totally new face in such a world, their stock market value would certainly dwindle to almost nothing or even become zero.

The same would be true for the entire digitalization in general.
And if, in addition, by way of a minimal orthographic reform, the words white and wise were to become synonymous, then this would not only make us all white citizens and voters, but even wise citizens and voters who all would be living in eternal contentment and peace! However, you could not really prove any of this because all white reasoning, even if it were extremely wise, would be invisible on a white background… …

(Translated by EG)

Klaus Hnilica
Tuesday March 27th, 2018

Saving Money with WHISKY

Carl and Gerlinde (# 58)

No, Carl did not wish to explain yet another time why he and Gerlinde had originally planned going to Tenerife but had then yet again ended up in Lanzarote, from where they had returned home yesterday night!

Gerlinde did not want to say anything on the matter, either: why had Hannelore and Kurt chosen this early Sunday morning during breakfast to invade their privacy, just because Hannelore, again, found it impossible to wait for the fantastic vacation report from Gerlinde? After all, she was eager to convince her Kurt that the Canaries were where they needed to go.

Carl was a little irritated when he asked them if they would like a cup of coffee or if they would prefer the champagne and the salmon appetizers he and Gerlinde had eaten at the “Iberostar Lanzarote Park Hotel“ each morning around this time as their brunch.

Oh – you stayed in the same hotel as last year? Hannelore piped. Gerlinde confirmed it with a tired nod while looking for the champagne glasses, because Carl was actually already on his way to fetch the champagne in the basement. Yes, when Hannelore wanted something he was always eager to please!

Come, Gerlinde, tell us how you liked Lanzarote? What was the weather like? Were the people nice and what about the general atmosphere? We want to know everything in detail, don’t we, Kurt?

Kurt gave a short nod and Gerlinde said: Well – yes – on the whole, it was quite nice!

Well – that does not sound too enthusiastic, does it, grumbled Kurt.

But it was – Carl interrupted while he let the champagne corks pop.

Unfortunately, as soon as the first week was over, I started coming down with this terrible cold. I am still not over it, Gerlinde moaned and, to prove her point, she filled two tissues with what had accumulated in her nose.

And I was cold all the time, Carl grinned while pouring the champagne for everyone.
Are you telling me that it was not as warm and spring-like as you had hoped?, asked Hannelore with her raised champagne glass in her hand.

For the many overweight people, it was certainly warm enough, Carl replied. But for the few normal weight humans, like us, it was not! But now cheers. Here is a toast to you and the fact that we are back home safe.

The constantly blowing cold north wind was really a nuisance this time. Gerlinde moaned with a grand suffering expression that Hannelore obstinately chose to ignore.

Great! – This is why you fly 4,000 kilometres in the direction of Africa, was Kurt’s smug comment. He finished his glass in one go and immediately and provocatively placed it again next to the champagne bottle that still contained a few sips.

There was not a single day when it was possible for her to lie in the sun for more than half an hour, because this stupid wind was always blowing. And she only swam in the pool three times in all these two weeks. Her cold, too, was probably because of this, Gerlinde continued lamenting. After all, now she was in lamenting mode and she noticed how this negative report made Hannelore more and more uncomfortable. But, naturally, she had not been the only one suffering from a cold: even early in the morning when everybody came to eat their breakfast, almost the entire room was filled with coughing and sneezing in all musical pitches when they arrived. And the flight back to Frankfurt, too, had been a single load of running and coughing noses.…

Since Carl, to the pleasure of Hannelore, had refilled the glasses with champagne and was now invitingly lifting his glass, Gerlinde had to interrupt her sneezing report for a short time. This gave Hannelore, after she had swallowed a few hasty sips, the chance to quickly ask the question if they had at least enjoyed nice day trips.

Yes, definitely, said Gerlinde after a long pause during which she, who was still wearing her bathrobe, had been swaying her upper body in both directions and taking small sips from her glass!

Immediately after arrival, they had booked this much-recommended and grandiose trip to the fantastic small fisher island ’La Graziosa’ in the north of Lanzarote for Wednesday: it was only 60€ per person and included lunch, the bus transfer from the hotel, the ride to the romantic harbour of Órzola and from there, with a catamaran, through the so-called Rio to the island of La Graziosa!

Unfortunately, however, it rained on this wonderful Wednesday, which scarcely ever happened, moaned Gerlinde. She asked Carl for a refill and also pointed out that the otherwise normal wind had grown into a veritable storm on this day, which meant that they could not stay on deck and that an extra glass bottom boat had to be commissioned to accommodate all the tourists who wanted to stay dry. After the meal on La Graziosa, they decided against another sightseeing tour of the island in the rain and instead cruised around the island with both ships through this deathly swell – after all, there are 6,000 kilometres of Atlantic Ocean directly behind Graziosa. As a result, she had to throw up all the time and even Carl was only just able to walk upright by the end of the tour.

After this short report, Gerlinde needed another glass of champagne and then sank down on her chair in a state of exhaustion. Carl finally took advantage of this opportunity to say something and added that, after this adventure, each of them had stood under the showers for half an hour in order to get a little warm again. Later, thank God, the unexpected happened – which saved the vacation …

And what unexpected event are you talking about? Hannelore eagerly asked with new hope in her eyes.

Well – I am not sure if I should tell? What do you think Gerlinde?
She did not care, muttered Gerlinde, all she wanted was another glass of champagne.

This is the fourth already, Carl noticed with some worry.

So – what?

Well, I was only mentioning it, he said while refilling the glass.

Incidentally, after the successful trip, their general state had been rather similar to the state Gerlinde was now in, Carl said to Hannelore and Kurt. And without further thought, they had then drunk all the four small bottles of Whisky from the mini-bar in order to sink into their beds with a minimum degree of content.…

However, the rude awakening came on the next morning when they discovered that the price for every one of those minuscule 5cl bottles of Whisky was 9.90€. This means that those four ridiculous bottles of Whisky – none contained more than what you could swallow with four mouthfuls – cost – 39.60 €! Well, this was certainly something you needed to give time to sink in, he moaned.

This is certainly not a bad profit for the hotel, Kurt – suddenly wide awake – commented!
And Gerlinde also moaned in her chair. However, her renewed call for champagne was no longer satisfied.

Instead, Carl told Hannelore that, naturally, nobody was going to treat him to such fraudulent rip-off. A short visit to the supermarket clarified the Whisky situation: the 75cl bottle of exactly the same brand was 15.85 €.

Even Kurt knew immediately what needed to be done. Consequently, he nodded when Carl, not without a certain degree of pathos, declared that he and Gerlinde spent the remaining 10 days of their vacation consuming 10 bottles of Whisky. Which meant that, after deduction of the acquisition costs, they had actually generated a plus of no less than 1,325.- € – as you could easily calculate yourself!

Ahhhh – Hannelore suddenly giggled, now it dawned on her: so that is what Gerlinde meant when she said that, all in all, you had been quite satisfied with your vacation!
Yes, that was probably what she meant, Carl confirmed since Gerlinde by then had gone to sleep in her chair. Apparently, the champagne had done its job!

And maybe the champagne had also helped Kurt who, without sounding any louder at all and with an air of self-evidence, suddenly said that, if such a potential for economizing was apparent, he could easily imagine spending a vacation on the Canary Islands.…

(Translated by EG)

Klaus Hnilica
Thursday October 12th, 2017

Failed Emancipation

Carl and Gerlinde (Instalment #54)

“Waiter – please bring a double cognac as fast as possible …!“,  Carl cried out excitedly while he was literally gulping air …

“Under way”, groaned the waiter while hurrying along his table. Thick drops of perspiration were building on his broad forehead.

“Whatever is the matter with you, Carl? Is it really necessary that you start filling up on cognac this early in the morning, when morning has hardly broken?”, Gerlinde irritably asked while taking a small sip of her freshly pressed orange juice with a worried expression on her face.

“Fear thee not, Gerlinde, I only need something really stiff to digest the news I am just reading in the paper here!“

“So – what sort of news is it?“ Gerlinde asked with raised eyebrows.

“Just imagine, the king of Saudi-Arabia and his very ambitions sun Mohamed bin Salam actually now, in the 21st century, want to allow women to drive cars!“

“How come?“

“Well – starting on June 2018 – women in Saudi-Arabia will be permitted behind the wheel of a car even without the consent of their husbands. Isn’t that absolutely maniac?“.

“Great! But as I know these brothers, there will certainly be some foul exhortation idea behind the deal… “

“Perhaps – but before you judge them too quickly, my dear, maybe we should remember that in Germany, too, the husband had the exclusive right to say what his wife and children should do until 1958.“

“Hm – great! But at least the women did not have to wear veils, did they“?

“No, they did not have to do that – but even if men allowed their wives to work, they were the ones who decided what happened with the incomes!“

“Super – that is what pimps still do for their sidewalk birds, isn’t it? “.

“Correct. The world is still as it should be in this patriarchal milieu!“

“It seems to me that you really need more cognac, Carl! If you are under the influence of alcohol, you definitely do not talk quite as much nonsense …“

“Yes, but only because I mostly go to sleep immediately! But where is this incompetent waiter now with my medicine?“

“Perhaps the waitress is quicker”, said Gerlinde. She jumped up and set a not-bad-looking young waitress onto the path of the dreamy waiter.

“And besides, if their husbands had not consented”, Carl, who obviously now knew no peace, continued, “women were not allowed to open their own bank accounts until 1962. How does that strike you?“

“There you see, my dear Carl, that is exactly why I absolutely do not wish to marry. I certainly would not want that to happen to me!“

“However, my dearest Gerlinde, this precaution is not necessary, because ever since 1969, every married woman in Germany is fully contractually capable.“

“Wow – that means everything really went at breath-taking speed with respect to the emancipation of the females – I am sure the CSU was the absolute pacemaker …“

“You mocker”, Carl smirked. He was still waiting for his cognac and getting more and more impatient …

“You are really poorly off with your cognac, Carl! In the meantime, would you like to take a sip of my orange juice? …“

“Excuse me! Has the day come when we men can no longer even drink our own cognac ?…“

“Carl, I will soon break out in tears“!

“Yes, please do – because otherwise I will have to do it”, Carl moaned.

“But there is truly no reason for you to do that, my dear Carl – with the exception that your cognac does not arrive, you men have no reason at all to lament, do you?“

“Oh – oh – and what about the ’Female Federal Chancellor Forever’; she is not only Honecker’s Late Revenge but also the Revenge of all Women Against Men for suffered wrongs!“

“As always, you are exaggerating, Carl!“

“I am not exaggerating at all, because the ’Female Federal Chancellor Forever’ would even be elected by all the women and elderly persons if she were ’a mounted specimen’  …“

“You know, instead of talking such nonsense, you probably had better get your own house in order “!

“Why is that..?“

“Why don’t you look at all the ’male specimens’ – for example the wonderful Herrn Schulz – or the kissing Herrn Junker – or the divine Mr. Trump – along with the grinning Kim Jong Un – or the eternal Bavarian drooling Herrn Seehofer… or – or – or … compared to those honourable gentlemen, even a ’preserved specimen of the Female Chancellor’ looks like an improvement to me …“

“Well, unfortunately, and as an exception to the rule – and very reluctantly – I have to agree with you, dear Gerlinde: the guild of men currently active is really a unique example for the word pitiful!“

“There you see, Carl …“! – when Gerlinde said this she had enough tact to suppress all display of triumph!

“But still, God has mercy on us men, Gerlinde: because at long last, my very dearly craved cognac is arriving!“

In fact, the friendly waitress suddenly came scuffling from nowhere and placed a huge brandy balloon – into which Carl might actually have jumped directly – in front of him under a thousand apologies and manoeuvres for the endless waiting time. And before Gerlinde could look around properly, his head actually already hung in the balloon up to his neck…

This was the only possible explanation for the fact that Carl, immediately after the cute waitress had vanished as picturesquely as a gazelle, could come up with the dry statement that, regardless of all currently felt superiority of the females, nobody could seriously doubt that even this lovely waitress was still moving on a pair of ’waiting upper legs’  …so why would we need a superiority complex? When all was said and done, women were, like in all times, basically just ’a piece cut out of man’, weren’t they?

(Translated by EG)

Klaus Hnilica
Thursday August 17th, 2017

“Don Carl“ – or: the Heroic Fight for the Underpants

Carl and Gerlinde (Instalment #52)

Rarely had Carl stepped into his underpants more enthusiastically in recent years. It was this great feeling of ’being embedded’ and ’being protected’ that he enjoyed.

It was a pleasure he made himself aware of several times each day these days – and the feeling was strangely enhanced whenever, during the day, he allowed himself to re-position the private parts hidden therein by discreetly re-arranging his trousers!

Yes – it was “allowed himself to” – not “had to” – as he formerly used to look upon it!

Because ever since, apparently, a movement that originated in Southern Germany – headed by the usual suspects /1/ – had started discrediting men’s underpants – which, incidentally, had been establishing an excellent tradition in the Christian culture over almost three hundred years – with Bavarian relish, Carl had become alarmed for more than one reason!

Yes – it was really a ’shock with an aura’ that found its way to Carl when, on this 13th day of August in 2017, he came upon said IF blog /1/ in the social networks. In this article, the author talked about a world-wide underpants-free future for all men: a world where, from one day to the next, wearing underpants by men was abolished. As a reason, it was stated that, apparently, all chafing, uncomfortable itching, disgusting tickling and virility-threatening clamping between razor-sharp zippers was now ignored, denied or hidden under a ’caftan ’.

A ’caftan’ that allegedly was only invented to give more freedom – that is, freedom for the ’unrestrained dangling of the male privates’ and consequently freedom to enjoy the ’so-called feeling of comfort’ that went along with it!

Of course, this had unimaginable consequences for the body – life – health – morals – society and economy! Not just for Germany and the European Union, but, when all was said and done, also for the entire Christian Occident and thousands of underpants-producing workers.

And was the time really chosen at random?

Had not just a few months ago Putin forbidden all activities around ladies’ underwear for the entire Eurasian Economic Zone, which had had disastrous consequences for TRIGA?

Maybe this was the balance against the male half of creation that was necessary due to gender-equality, after the first hit had devastated the female half of creation?

And was it really totally by accident that this campaign started in Bavaria of all regions? Or was it perhaps part of a long-planned conspiracy by Putin and Seehofer?

But when Carl, a few days ago when they had a meeting to discuss the ’development of new market strategies’ at TRIGA, mentioned these aspects, he was appalled to notice how his colleagues could not have cared less. Bernie – i.e. Dr. Osterkorn –, who was the head of the hosiery sector at TRIGA, in particular, did not seem to understand the impact of this event at all. As often before, he, again, lacked the antennae for trends in fashion and society!

Incidentally, the same was true for Gerlinde during their breakfast in the morning!

She, too, only had a laugh for him …

And – almost sympathetically – called him, Carl, a maniac who, once again, was chasing ghosts. And when Carl reacted offended and left the breakfast table without having drunk all of the morning coffee she always brewed for him with special love and care, she cried after him that she was not going to believe in the threat to occidental culture before Horst Seehofer appeared wearing a ’Caftan’ for the next Political Ash-Wednesday in Vilshofen!

Luckily, Carl knew what needed to be done in such catastrophic situations when everything was in danger of tumbling down: ’nothing’!

Now that was one aspect where, as always, he found himself in the best company with the others …

(Translated by EG)

Roland Dürre
Tuesday October 25th, 2016

Winter Time & Summer Time – As Useless as Cancerous Growth

P1070194Now you will read my personal opinion!

On October, 30th, the day will again have come: all clocks will stand still for one hour at 2 a.m.. After that one hour, they can continue ticking away. Or else you just turn them back one hour in the morning. So if it was eight o’clock a minute ago, it will now suddenly be seven o’clock. In the evening it is suddenly dark far too soon…

For me, that will again mean between three and five days of not really being myself. Somehow or other, this “homeopathic” time change by one hour is worse for my system than a proper jet lag of several  hours.

The accident statistics, too – both for traffic and household accidents – peaks around the time of the change. Occasionally, people probably die because of the time change. And on March, 26th, 2017, the reverse process comes again.

They originally said this manoeuvre was introduced to save energy. Except that I have no idea how that is supposed to work. If at all, the only energy that, in theory, could be saved is electric energy for illumination. But how? After all, all activities of humans are just pushed back by one hour? If you turn off the light one hour earlier and then turn it on one hour later, this sounds a lot like a pure zero sum game to me…

As most people I know, I think this entire time change theatre is total nonsense. For me, it is another example for our hopeless political situation: a Bavarian solo would probably cause serious conflict in Berlin. A German solo is not possible because of EU laws. And it sounds more and more unlikely to me that the EU will ever decide something that makes sense.

Consequently, we will probably have to continue living with this nonsense for many years to come. Until this EU will finally break up.

(Translated by EG)

I almost cannot mention that Putin actually ended this nonsense in Russia. After all, he is an autocratic dictator who was never elected by his people. Incidentally, he decided to have winter time all the year round, while I would recommend summer time all the year round. Because this is a better fit for us.

This is where I would like to thank all the Wallonians for countering the growth and efficiency mania of a lobby structure that is totally dominated by late capitalism.
Whenever humaneness and solidarity are discussed, I like thinking globally. But when they try to give huge concerns total freedom, I prefer the local approach. And that means I wish for regional protective mechanisms, rather than a declaration of bankruptcy and the abandonment of all self-determination.

Even if there is a risk of being seen as the evil guy if you have this opinion. Especially by all those people in this world who are named  Gabriel and Schulz.

Everyone talks digitalization. So do I.

I even give presentations about it. Because I get the impression that there is a lot of confusion around. Although the topic is not really news.

For me, even the very term “digitalisation” is not a good choice. Here are the terms I consider relevant: communication, networks and information.

Information exchange means you generate information by thinking and then you exchange the information through saying out loud what you thought. There is an analogy with language. You can put language into written words – then it is “digital”. That is trivial. The relevant factor is how fast and how intense the spreading and exchange of information takes place. And this is where technology and its development start playing a role.
Let us just look at the latest development of humans:

After several attempts, the “humanoids” managed to walk upright about two million years ago. That was the requirement for the “humanoids” turning into “homines sapientes” around 200,000 years ago. Still being hunters and gatherers, the humans had their creative phase and started to leave Africa around 125,000 years ago. 60,000 years ago, homo sapiens really got under way and developed language until 10,000 years ago.

The spoken word is volatile. Whatever someone said could be heard only once. Consequently, they invented stories and handed them on by word of mouth. They included redundancies in order to reduce errors during the transmission process. There were attempts at drawing pictures along with the messages, but that was only a partial success. Consequently, it was only logical that, a few thousand years after the spoken word, the written word came. And this is how, about 7,000 years ago, they invented script.

In old Egypt, they told stories in temples using a symbol language that strongly reminds me of images. They were carved into sand stone and coloured out. Later, lighter materials, such as papyrus and paper, came. Along with technologies such as the printing press and the forcing set. And later, the information technology, like all technologies – was made electronic. Initially, they used copper (cables) and wireless technology.

Coding was also improved, for instance with the use to simple alphabets and digits. “Algorithms” and “technologies” for processing language and all sorts of information into the digital form were developed all the time. It is quite simple to show that all symbols can be represented digitally. This fact was an important requirement for computer developers, because, basically, the easiest way for them to work is using zeroes and ones. But that was a totally normal technological development.

Incidentally, written symbols and thus written language for transporting information was initially used for “business purposes”. Consequently, it seems to me that business is the “mother of all things and inventions”, rather than “father war”. War is just a special kind of “business” – and a very despicable one at that.

Written language makes knowledge available over time and space and creates networks. The rare books of Galileo Galilei travelled Europe and met the ideas of Kepler. Progress and technology was developed in cities. Because that is where the various disciplines met. Later, the cities started building networks and progress gathered momentum. And then the entire world became a network. Initially through letters, books and magazines. Later, newspapers and books were replaced by IT technology, just like oil lamps and the tallow candle were replaced by electricity and the light bulb.

Information networks brought us the so-called “industrial revolution”. And “digitalization” is only the continuation of this development. Both the speed of networks and the amount of knowledge have increased and continue to increase, which means that the process gets faster and faster. It is all part of the Anthrozopän (the era of humans – Anthrozopän). They do not really know when to define its beginning, neither can anybody tell where it will end and what will come after.

Eine Satellitenaufnahme der Erde gibt anhand der sichtbar gemachten Lichtverschmutzung einen Eindruck der Größenordnung menschlichen Einflusses auf die Umwelt

Satellitenaufnahme der Erde mit sichtbar gemachter Lichtverschmutzung.
Satellite image of the earth with light pollution made visible. You can see what a huge influence humans have on our planet (picture taken from Wikipedia).

I would prefer if we characterized the current phase of humanity using terms such as networks and information. Digitalization is a weak metaphor for what is currently developing. But “digitalization” is “in” and terms such as “information era” are “out”.

And everybody wants to be a front-runner in order not to be left behind. In Bavaria, for instance, we have a Zentrum-Digitalisierung.Bayern (ZD.B), other German states already start introducing similar institutions.

And you can read endless numbers of pamphlets on digitalization (mostly with nonsense written in them) and attend many events. As a general rule, neither is any use to you. A short time ago, I attended the TechDays in the Munich Tonhalle. It was truly a festival of speculations and I am sure that, if anything, it increased the prevailing degree of confusion..

In the German Wikipedia version, I can recommend the article on Digitale Transformation (Digitale Transformation). It gives a concise summary of the current state of affairs. There are also some contributions, such as Computerisierung, Informationszeitalter or even Digitale Revolution (Computerisierung, Informationszeitalter, Digitale Revolution), all of which are “nice to have”, but basically you do not need them. There is also an “English” „digital business transformation“ article – I hope they will soon change it to become a feasible “digitalization in public offices and in business” article or something similar.

Let us just consider “digitalization” as the continuation of “industrialization” and as part of the evolution on our planet in the time of Anthrozopän. Incidentally, there is now a Special Exhibition (Sonderausstellung) in the Deutsches Museum with a few things absolutely worth seeing. But you should be careful about getting a guide who will not punish the group by telling them half-truths and voicing personal opinions.

(Translated by EG)

Klaus Hnilica
Thursday March 10th, 2016

Castle on the River – or: Schinkel’s Stag

Here is another interpretation of the famous painting “Castle on the River “(1820) by
Karl Friedrich Schinkel











Almost unnoticed, it appears,
beside the tree, our stag, and rears,

it lacks aggression, makes no sound,

takes in the castle, looks around!

And yet, it was the reason why,
when morning grass was not yet dry

the ranger met his sudden death:
the shot stopped everybody’s breath!

It happened at the time in anger,

too furious was the righteous ranger,

Instead of going through the head,

it was the knee the bullet met,

The one who cried was not the deer,

but the castellan from the rear:

“Be damned, stupid, blind marauder

and take payback in swiftest order!“

The man was dead, his friends so sad,
but nobody a memory had

of who shot whom and where and why?
They just said: people should not cry!

The mourning phase was deep and grey
castellan was still not too gay.
The coffin went by waterway
and people duly came to pray.

(Translated by EG)

The picture was taken from Google

Klaus Hnilica
Thursday February 12th, 2015

To Pee Standing Up – or: The Emancipated Man

Carl and Gerlinde (XL)

Recently, when, as day was dawning, a ruling by the Düsseldorf Court flew into his house by way of the “Frankfurter Allgemeine”, Carl felt so much joy he would have liked to not only run down the street calling out to everybody, but also embrace every individual toilet bowl in every house in the neighbourhood!

ZZZSTimg164Because, at long last, justice had been done to him as a man by the German Legal System! It was the kind of justice he – and countless others of his species – had stopped believing in after all the ostracising and degradation they had been suffering from in this country which since ancient times had now been ruled and guided into a doubtful future by a too powerful, joyless woman …

And then – this unexpected gift of the heavens early in the morning, which left Gerlinde totally unmoved: she remained absolutely relaxed in her bed whispering something or other while all augury stood in favour of a final emancipation of men!

Of course, Carl asked himself how this was suddenly possible! What had happened? Was there something like justice in this country, after all? Perhaps a balancing power saw to it that, according to the law of entropy minimization, all injustice was minimized?

If so, then the nondescript message of the “Frankfurter Allgemeine” on this Friday morning might well have been a first sign! A sign indicating that there was actually hope for a better future, both for the human species and the subspecies “man” – while Gerlinde kept snoring.…

For Carl, however, said future crashed into his like a gunshot; after all, it was the official statement by the Düsseldorf judge Stefan Hank,

„….that nobody can forbid a man to pee standing up!“

It had the immediate effect that Carl suddenly not only defined himself anew as a human being, but in particular as a man! Meaning as a man who, at long last, was permitted to shed his water at home standing up! And that nobody could forbid it! Neither a mother, nor a wife, nor a significant other, nor the cleaning lady…

Naturally, this meant without the slightest doubt or room for interpretation that the still sleeping Gerlinde, too, had to take notice of the fact that he – Carl – just like all male creatures of this world – was entitled to pee standing up before the bathroom toilet!

As is often the case with great events, this totally new legal situation early in the 21st century, the clarification of which Gerlinde slept through without having the slightest idea, came in a totally inconspicuous way in the form of two simple sentences written by judge Hank. Those sentences were:

“Regardless of the increasing domestication of the man in this regard (that is: the man-woman relation), man who pee standing up are still quite a common occurance. Those who still practice this formerly frequent habit will still have to expect frequent arguments with – particularly female – flatmates, yet they need not fear that the marble floor in their bathroom or guest toilet will be vitriolised“. (see: legal document number: 42 c 10583/14)

Well, so it was perfectly clear! – If a marble floor did not get vitriolised, then the same was true for ceramic tiles on the floor. And if those were not vitriolised, then neither was the toilet bowl. This was a totally simple inductive conclusion even Gerlinde, should she ever wake from her sleep, would have to see – although, being a woman, access to logic thinking was not always a foregone conclusion with her.

Which stood in total contrast to Carl, who actually would not tolerate any attempt at domestication as mentioned by the judge. After all, you can never domesticate a man, can you? Let alone if you are a woman!

Well, this was certainly absolutely out of the question!

On the contrary; now when, at long last, he had it black on white in a court-ordered document that he was permitted to be totally man both in the bathroom and the toilet, he was absolutely determined to practice and relish this act of emancipation at all costs. And he was definitely not going to let himself be restricted by domestication or anything else.

Let his slumbering Gerlinde stand upside down (which was something she did when practicing yoga, anyway): he, Carl, was not willing to forego his right – to be totally man!

And he was going to really rub the new peeing situation in for his perky Gerlinde! He already knew it was not going to happen without intense words being thrown back and forth! It was as plain as a pikestaff, but it was worth the effort, Carl told himself. And he was rather proud of the serene and objective way he saw everything even before his first cup of coffee this morning.…

Well – and since Gerlinde was probably going to wake up soon, it might be a smart and prudent idea to make sure that the discussion was going to run without a glitch by not overwhelming her with the court-ordered facts before her breakfast egg. Instead, he was going to wait a little while and then, depending on how things were going to develop in general today, with a glass of champagne and the newspaper in his hand, present the new court-ordered ’ peeing situation’ …

Yes, that was definitely a better way to go about it! Even the much better way!

And on second thought – so Carl thought – basically there was the question why to confront Gerlinde with this issue at all? After all, she did not stand guard next to him when he was doing his business in the bathroom, did she? So why make much ado about it and talk endlessly?

”Hey – where do we live?“, he said to himself aloud before putting the “Frankfurter Allgemeine“ away and quickly again slipping back under the warm bedcover after this spontaneous intuition.…

After all, when using the toilet, he could do what he liked to do: if he decided to pee standing up, then he was going to stand up. And if he decided to sit down as he had always done in the past, then this was also just as well. On top of him then also obeying Gerlinde’s strict rules!

The important thing was only that he did not chicken out but took a clear position! And that is exactly what he was doing now in light of all this newly won freedom that gave him all the options: he could approach the toilet bowl standing up or sitting down!

Now, wasn’t that a great masculine feeling: not to be in the situation of the Federal Chancellor who always had “no alternatives”…


Klaus Hnilica
Thursday October 23rd, 2014

Halloween in Hanau or ‘Viennese Blood’

A vampire’s vicious circle

Elias Hupka-Hürlimann has now been living in Hanau for quite some time. Because it is Halloween, he finally wants a wish he has long had to come true: for the first time ever, he organizes an elaborate vampire party in his big flat, which is part of a Hanau Old Town Villa. This is going to be one party where nothing has been forgotten! Especially not first quality blood! His girl-friend Susanne advises him to order the famous ’Vienna Blood’ offered by a famous Vienna agency situated in the Blood Lane of Vienna’s First District! Elias calls them on a Tuesday; after the second ring, a young voice answers:

• International Vampire Party Service ’Blood Lust’ – this is Gottlieb Bissinger speaking – how can I help you?

• ………………………………………..

• Well, Mister Herr Hupka-Hürlimann, I am truly delighted to hear you are calling us at the recommendation of someone else. It means we are probably often doing the right thing and our customers are happy with what they get, doesn’t it?

• ………………………………………..

• May I ask where this German city of Hanau you are calling from is situated?

• ………………………………………..

• Ah – it is near Frankfurt on the river Main – yes, of course, everybody is familiar with that! However, Hanau is a city I have never heard about. But that is certainly not a problem – in fact, isn’t it nice to know that even townships like Hanau have their own vampires? That gives us hope?

• ………………………………………..

• Well – you see, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann, in Vienna, we do not only have Heurige and Coffee Shops, but also a very dignified ’Vampire Blood Service’!

• ………………………………………..

• Actually, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann, you should not forget that we here in Austria have a century old vampire tradition.
• ………………………………………..

• Certainly not England – the first documented vampire ever came from Istria in Croatia, which as early as 200 years ago became part of the Austrian-Hungarian Monarchy. This is a fact!

• ………………………………………..

• Prey, do laugh – after all, we all need some fun, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann! It is rather nice to know that we already understand each other well enough to share a good laugh. That is the kind of thing that makes everything a lot easier, isn’t it?

• ………………………………………..

• Naturally, Vienna is a fantastic place for Vampires! To tell the truth, here in this city, they do not only appreciate the occasional sip of wine, but also the tasty suck of blood! Especially if it originated with the right kind of bunny and has the desired flow to it!

• ………………………………………..

• No, no – there is certainly no shortage! You see, we have all those retired persons in Vienna, an ample supply of choir boys and masses of Lipizzaner horses! Now this is something you will probably not believe, but the very young suckers, that is to say, the ’bloody young lollers’ really like to first practice with one of those dripping retired necks before proceeding with particular lust by using the white young necks of choir boys or choir girls! Well, and for every day, they sometimes take a Lipizzaner horse – this is simply a fact of life!!

• ……………………………………….
• Of course not during the performances of the ’Spanish Riding School”, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann, that goes without saying! I mean afterwards, when the Lipizzaner horses have been taken back to their stables and are tired and hardly able to move. …
• ………………………………………..

• No, we do not exclusively staff our company with vampires! That would be something the inspectorate division would not permit! Here in this country, everything is well regulated, as everybody knows. Even the vampire quota! In fact, it is quite possible that this regulation originated as early as the monarchy?

• ………………………………………..

• Of course, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann, all must always be in order! In our delicate blood business, anything else would be unthinkable. What do you think how many ’Good People’ constantly are on our backs, wanting to let something stick with us! We have to be extra careful at all times …

• ………………………………………..

• Exactly! And since we have these restrictions for our employees, Mister Hupka- Hürlimann, we only employ true vampires in very limited numbers in our party service – everything else would be much too expensive, anyway!

• ………………………………………..

• No way! What do you think! We at the party service ’Blood Lust’ are organized in such a way that 70% of the employees are so-called NVP-s, that is ’Non Vampire People’! And of the remaining 30%, 20% are HVP-s, that is ’Hetero Vampire People’, which means that they are sometimes this and sometimes that. Only 10%, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann, are true PVP-s, i.e. ’Pure Vampire People’! As you see, the ratio is truly minimal!

• ………………………………………..

• You are perfectly correct! The press makes far too much ado about it! If you are honest, you really cannot say there is a vampire excess here in the entire EU. In fact, we have a sad lack! A few more would actually be quite a good thing for all this ’SpinTopGame ’, you can believe me…

• ………………………………………..

• Correct – as you can see in our team! We here in our optimized service department ’Blood Lust’ are no more than six people!

• ………………………………………..

• What? You are asking if only six out of ten employees are true vampires?

• ………………………………………..

• Yes, that is absolutely correct, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann! I see you must be a true mathematician, otherwise you would not have done the computation that quickly! Congratulations!

• ………………………………………..

• How we handle the six out of ten employees?

• ………………………………………..

. Well, it is very simple: it means that Hubert, our only vampire, only works and acquires after midnight – that is how easy it is!

• ………………………………………..

• Certainly, sir. As you see, sometimes matters are easier than one would have assumed? But now, what about your order, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann? What exactly can we provide for you?
• ………………………………… ..

• Leiwand – well, it certainly facilitates things if you already informed yourself on our homepage about all the products and services we offer.

• ………………………………………..

• You definitely can order everything immediately via telephone! We are used to not making much of a fuss about things!

• ………………………………………..

• Just tell me all you need, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann – and I will enter everything in our central computer:

• ………………………………………..

• I understand – you want 50 litres of bio blood type A and 30 litres of bio blood type AB, but none of blood type B! Your German guests are not keen on this one! Well, this is interesting information, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann!

• ………………………………………..

• Yes, you are right! Blood type B tastes a little stale, doesn’t it? Your experts in Hanau will probably call it furry! Now tell me, are you particular about the Rhesus Factor?

• ……………………………………….

• No! Well, I can easily understand that! Yes, you are absolutely correct: as far as taste is concerned, the Rhesus Factor really is not a big deal; especially if you serve it sparkled on lots of ice! You will taste practically no difference between the rhesus factors: neither in the bouquet, nor as you swallow it!

• ………………………………………

• Is there anything else you would like, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann?

• ………………………………………

• What? You want to know what the ’bio ’ in our blood product label means?

• ………………………………………

• To be sure! Basically, you can say blood is always bio! But in our case it means that it is really the purest quality, still having this inimitable blood smell! After all, ours is a certified brand – if you know what I mean.

• ………………………………………

• Well – as I am sure you read in our prospectus, we also deliver blood products in totally different flavours!

• ……………………………………….

• Yes! That is blood we mostly get from passionate wine drinkers. It smells just a little bit of ’Blauem Zweigelt’ or ’Grünem Veltliner’! Or of Riesling! But we are talking really only a very tiny bit of flavour. This is something for real gourmets! You have to be blessed with an extremely fine-tuned tongue, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann! Incidentally, currently we also have huge quantities of blood with a delicious Vodka flavour for the not quite so fine-tuned tongue! I would very much recommend it if you want something really noticeable – not just some subtlety!

• ………………………………………..

• Indeed, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann, this blood is imported from the Ukraine on a daily basis, which makes it excellent quality, since it has been directly flown here from the war zone!

• ………………………………………..

• Yes – I am sure you want to try it – it is truly delicious and extravagant. I am sure your party guests will relish every drop of it. …

• ………………………………………..

So here I am adding another 10 litres of AB with Vodka flavour and another five litres AB with ’Blauen Zweigelt – body’ to your order. Great, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann! This is such a well-balanced order that I can only congratulate you in the most sincere way in the name of our house! Truly!

• ………………………………………..

• What? Who are our suppliers? Well, we do it all through the very professional Amazone Drone Service! They are just top! Their deliveries are reliable and always on time! Never any problems!

• ………………………………………..

• You are right! This is another sector where Amazone cooperates directly with the NSA. Consequently, they always know practically in real-time where and when the latest blood sources can be tapped …

• ………………………………………..

• Yes, it is truly a great thing! There is no other way to say it! At long last, they found a use of modern technology that absolutely makes sense! Apart from this, they only use technology for nonsense, don’t they?

• ………………………………………..

• Yes – so again many thanks for your order, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann! I hope you will soon again be our customer! And as I said: delivery will be prompt and discrete! Just like is always our custom in this house!

• …………………………………………..

• And a special greeting from colleague to colleague! I guess you are also one of those true blood suckers, just like I am?

• …………………………………………..

• You know, something always tells me immediately! This kind of similarity makes you a nice person in my eyes, even if you are a Piefke! No offense meant! And greetings again…

(Translated by EG)

Sometimes, I really come up with strange ideas.

For instance, one evening, I start wondering which of the many electronic devices in our household is the most useful. And I try to determine which of them I actually really need.
Well, the ironing machine seems to make some sense. But then, I could also let my shirts be cleaned by a professional service. The shoe-shine machine, the electric tin opener, the electric coffee mill and the huge beer tin cooling/dispensing head cannot be among the number. After all, those were the devices that – along with some others and the electric Christmas candles – were thrown away when we moved.

The fridge certainly makes more sense when it comes to cooling beer. But then, I could also drink my beer in one of the numerous pubs situated around our house – where I would have company at all times.

On the other hand, there is still a small cool box. However, it is no longer as full as it used to be, because I prefer eating fresh food. And I try to make a general rule of eating less. Besides, the children are almost all out of the house. Consequently, I do not find it a good idea to store food. It constantly puts me under the obligation to control how long they can be kept and then I need to eat what will soon be past its “best before” date.

This is where our integrated water shaker and cooler comes in. It is a great thing and was the pride of the entire family for a long time. But now it has been out of working order for more than two weeks – because the “Grohe” company no longer replies as fast as they used to – and what do we notice? – You can do without. Because you can actually also drink your water directly from the tub.

Let us remain in the kitchen. We have the cooktop (induction with virtual cooking field) and the stove, the steamer with water supply, the dishwasher and the bread cutting machine, the ESGE miracle rod, the food processor(s), the electric lemon and orange squeezer, the grain mill, the cream whipping machine – they are all electric. And in our basement, we also have a microwave.

Back to soft drinks. The electric coffee machine is used a lot. I really enjoy my coffee and (probably) too much of it, too. But still, I cannot say I really need this machine badly. After all, you can easily cook Arabian coffee in the pan, can’t you? I still have a filter for the coffee pot, a coffee stamp and a small Italian espresso machine which, like the two old coffee mills, actually work totally without electricity.

The yoghurt device is sitting among the flea market things. I really do not need it. I do not like using the vacuum cleaner, because it is rather noisy. I prefer disposing of the dirt on the ground with my broom and shovel. In our household, wall-to-wall carpeting is a “no-go” and carpets belong in the fresh air, where they need whipping, rather than vacuuming. The electric razor is just for emergencies, because I prefer shaving wet. To make up for it, I rather appreciate the electric toothbrush. But do I really need it?

Suddenly, I remember something very important – my laptops, tablets, the router and the printer! And not to forget: the small electronic device that produces the “Tans” for bank transfers. All these things seem to be absolutely essential for life, regardless of the fact that once there was a time when we lived without. In those days, we had telephones, radios and TV sets – all of which we still have, but in several rooms at the same time. Apart from the fact that, today, they are more like huge tablets which can also be used for watching TV. And basically, I no longer watch a lot of TV. In fact, I prefer listening to the radio. Or else I use the sound system, which I really enjoy.

We also have another beautifully exotic device: the electric ice machine. Barbara sometimes uses it in order to make particularly tasty ice cream (cinnamon or mango, because our son brings those fruits back from India). But this, too, happens far from often. In fact, it happens almost as seldom as me setting up and letting run my electric toy railway in the basement (never). But then, this is something I keep for my grandchildren (despite modern children having no inclination at all to play railway – after all, they have computers).

There is also an electric drill in the basement. We actually used it when we moved. Even though I once learned that the average time of usage for a German drill can be counted in minutes. Diverse electric saws, glue-pistol and more similar do-it-yourself equipment can also be found in my basement. It makes me think of “shared economy”. And immediately, I think of the house technology (heating, solar energy for heating water, and photovoltaic), all of which are, naturally, also electric devices. Mind you, it is quite reasonable to use “solar” energy.

But then, what is truly the most important electric device in our household? The electric clocks cannot be the solution, because the problem might easily be solved mechanically. Perhaps the lawn mower, because it keeps me from having to perspire. But then, this, too, is something they solved differently in former times – just look at the scythe, which is a word you hardly even know today. And then, is it not “out” to be kept from perspiring.

The electric gate could just as easily be worked manually. Electric bikes – so-called e-bikes – are something I, luckily, do not yet have. Otherwise I would be burdened with all the maintenance and uploading. To make up for it, I have several bike computers (one per bike) and two GPS systems – well, they, too, are electric systems, aren’t they? And I also have a video supported supervision system in order to discourage bike theft. This is in order to have the evil thief filmed while he does his robbing.

Lamps, too, are electric – and quite basic – devices. Especially in the evening, it is rather nice to have light.

🙂 Suddenly, I remember the shoe horn. It is a truly wonderful device and I used it every morning – but then, it is not an electric device. Maybe we have an idea for a start-up here?
Isn’t it just scary how many electric motors work – or rather do not work – in our homes? As I think back, I seem to remember that, in the year 1950, when I was born, we had “ZERO” electric motors in our household. And speaking of electric devices, the only ones that come to mind in those days are the lamps and the radio.

🙂 But then, you have to take into account that I am a leftover from the last millennium.

So here comes the quintessence: do we really need all those things? I will soon take a closer look at all the pairs of shoes I own and for what purpose I use them. Or even better: all the things I buy although I do not really need them…

Barbara is looking over my shoulder and she has a spontaneous idea: the washing machine! Accepted with gratitude.