+On Thursday, at 11.50 a.m., in the fully packed “facility cafeteria”, Hubert Spiegel related the strange circumstances that led to the disarmament of the mysterious “mirror devil”. He started a little awkwardly by saying:

img270

“Well, you know, I am not really a patient of this “facility”! But my mom is! At her own instigation, she was admitted here five years ago! You may not believe this, but she liked the pasta soup served in this “facility cafeteria” so much that she refused to go anywhere else. Now isn’t that really mad?

Well- and now I come for a visit as often as I can. But then, you do not always have time, do you? After all, we all have to really work hard. Basically, none of us has a money machine at home, …

Aside from this – even if that may now sound a little strange – I am not one of the loonies residing in this “facility”!

But then – and I admit this quite frankly – sometimes in the morning at six when I am standing in front of my mirror in the bathroom and looking at this “stranger’s face” that smiles back at me, I start wondering if I, Hubert Spiegel, perhaps am mentally handicapped after all!

Neither am I all that sure if the person I see with that huge stupid grin on his face is actually me? Or maybe that is someone else altogether? Perhaps a “Peeper”? Or even one of those “stalkers”, as they call them in America…

Are you also familiar with the sensation that a stranger’s face follows you each day into your bathroom? Until you are standing in front of your mirror? The only thing that has proved to be helpful for me is sticking out my tongue at him!

So!!! Yes – I have to really do some prolonged asshole licking…

Because if the other one also gives me his asshole licking, then I know at least that he is no better than I am, which means there is no need for me to worry about him staying in my bathroom – if that is what he wants, he is quite welcome!

Now isn’t that really cute?

Well, you know, as time goes by, you simply come up with a few tricks, don’t you? After all, one is not totally brain-damaged! But just to be on the safe side, I regularly do the “ear-splitting test”!

Are you familiar with it? Because it is certainly of good parentage …
You would not believe how long this “ear-tip-stranger” needed before he eventually understood about the test and then managed to convince me that he really is not the evil one who wants to harm me! Because if there is one thing I really hate, then it is those poofters: I detest them as much as the devil hates holy water!

Anyway, initially it was always like this: whenever I gripped my ear and simultaneously stuck out my tongue – as did the guy opposite me – and whenever I then took hold of my right ear with my right hand – because I had to know, what the other one was going to do, didn’t I? – then that other devil always took hold of his left ear with the left hand … which means he did exactly the opposite of what I did? Can you imagine? Every single time…

Initially, it really almost drove me crazy! I simply could not believe that this stupid fucker was not capable of mimicking something as easy as this, instead doing exactly the opposite? I really found it unbelievable…

And, to be perfectly honest – I then started taking my orientation only from the lolling tongue. At least there I could be sure that I am really only dealing with the moron I knew…

But it was definitely no easy task!

Because as an extra devious plot, the idiot actually sometimes took his right hand to grip his right ear!

Yes – that is really what he did! But do you know when he did that? He did it exactly all those times when I touched my left ear with my left hand – that was exactly when he used his right hand, the trickster – and at no other times! Not ever at any other time…
Mind you, we are talking at six in the morning, and every morning – except Sundays – because I never wash on Sundays, nor do I even enter my bathroom! After all, Sundays are the days when I use water in the church for getting my skin wet – holy water!

Well – if you experience this kind of shit every day and then do not get mad, you are either completely gaga or – pardon the language – you are fucking way beyond caring!

But then, as I am sure you can easily imagine, I miss nothing. After all, who do they think I am? I am definitely not my mum!

Yes – if it had been my mum, then this devil in the bathroom would have been able to continue until doomsday. She would not have fought it; after all, she always was an easy pushover for all strange populist leaders.

But that is where I am different! I am far too street-smart to become thus victimized …

Would you like me to tell you how I won over this pig last Tuesday?
At six in the morning! In my bathroom! I bet you will never guess, although it is basically very easy if you think about it!

Well – last Tuesday – when I again stood in front of the grinning bastard – with my tongue lolling out down to my tits – and this devil also sticking it out – here is what I, the wise guy, did:
I moved my right hand to my right ear – but when the other one only grinned and moved his left paw towards his left ear – I moved like lightning and got my left hand to my left ear – which meant the stupid guy on the opposite side had no choice but to also grab his right ear – just like he always did…

And, people, I really wish you could have seen the stupid face this idiot with his lolling tongue suddenly made – with both paws holding both ears – exactly like me – and gone were the times of “left” and “right”, etc…

I can tell you, for me, this was an absolute hit on the head for liberty!

Because all of a sudden it dawned on me that this freaking idiot had just been tricking me all the time with his “right – left – turn” – and that he actually had been nobody else! No, absolutely not! In fact, it had always been me and me alone! Yes: me, me, me – opposite of myself – and with nobody else involved.

Can you imagine?

And what do you think how hilarious we found it and how we burst out laughing as soon as we discovered it! We fell over with laughter – both of us – and we truly went overboard and never seemed to be able to calm down… it was truly mad – really!

And now I am sure you will understand why I came here today!
Actually, I absolutely need to tell my mum about it! Even if it means she will start fretting before I start because she wants her pasta soup!

But she absolutely has to know that there has never been a stranger in my bathroom – never ever! It was always only me – and even me alongside me …

So, here we go and good luck to you all – but now I need to go and see her! She needs me!“

KH
(Translated by EG)

PS:
The author will relate this story (in Viennese dialect) during this year’s Halloween event of the “Authors Group TwentyTen” in the Hanau Olof Palme Haus.

Roland Dürre
Wednesday April 27th, 2016

Stupid (?) Questions?

Here are a few current events that I find questionable:

Negative interest
Once upon a time, they actually paid you interest on what you had in your savings account. However, then came the tax at source  and made the interest dwindle.

If now we get negative interest rates, how about taxes? Will I automatically get a tax bonus (Quellensteuer)?

Plastic bags
Now we have a voluntary obligation by trade that they will take money for plastic bags. I doubt that it will help very much.
Why don’t they do something about all the other considerable plastic rubbish (plastic sacks for dog shit, all the products for sale wrapped in plastic)?

Luxemburg-Leaks.
At long last, someone is facing trial.
But why are the whistle blowers those who face trial, instead of those who committed the bribery?

Higher pensions.

The government is rather proud to announce that, for a change, the retired persons got a considerably portion of the cake.
But why do they not tell us that the money some retired persons get will be less, because now some of the retirees have to pay income tax?

Subsidies.
They announced it today: starting now, the purchase of e-cars will be subsidized. The same is true for hybrid cars. I understand the latter even less than the former. If at all, e-cars are a small part of the solution at best. Their total environment balance is nowhere near good (Rentner jetzt Einkommens-steuerpflichtig).
If they want to give subsidies, why not to the carrier bikes? They are actually beneficial!

Continue: on many topics. Perhaps I will do it. But I would also like to publish all your “stupid questions”. Feel free to send them to me. This will make the blog a little more interactive.

RMD
(Translated by EG)

Klaus Hnilica
Thursday October 23rd, 2014

Halloween in Hanau or ‘Viennese Blood’

A vampire’s vicious circle

spanish-riding-school
Elias Hupka-Hürlimann has now been living in Hanau for quite some time. Because it is Halloween, he finally wants a wish he has long had to come true: for the first time ever, he organizes an elaborate vampire party in his big flat, which is part of a Hanau Old Town Villa. This is going to be one party where nothing has been forgotten! Especially not first quality blood! His girl-friend Susanne advises him to order the famous ’Vienna Blood’ offered by a famous Vienna agency situated in the Blood Lane of Vienna’s First District! Elias calls them on a Tuesday; after the second ring, a young voice answers:

• International Vampire Party Service ’Blood Lust’ – this is Gottlieb Bissinger speaking – how can I help you?

• ………………………………………..

• Well, Mister Herr Hupka-Hürlimann, I am truly delighted to hear you are calling us at the recommendation of someone else. It means we are probably often doing the right thing and our customers are happy with what they get, doesn’t it?

• ………………………………………..

• May I ask where this German city of Hanau you are calling from is situated?

• ………………………………………..

• Ah – it is near Frankfurt on the river Main – yes, of course, everybody is familiar with that! However, Hanau is a city I have never heard about. But that is certainly not a problem – in fact, isn’t it nice to know that even townships like Hanau have their own vampires? That gives us hope?

• ………………………………………..

• Well – you see, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann, in Vienna, we do not only have Heurige and Coffee Shops, but also a very dignified ’Vampire Blood Service’!

• ………………………………………..

• Actually, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann, you should not forget that we here in Austria have a century old vampire tradition.
• ………………………………………..

• Certainly not England – the first documented vampire ever came from Istria in Croatia, which as early as 200 years ago became part of the Austrian-Hungarian Monarchy. This is a fact!

• ………………………………………..

• Prey, do laugh – after all, we all need some fun, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann! It is rather nice to know that we already understand each other well enough to share a good laugh. That is the kind of thing that makes everything a lot easier, isn’t it?

• ………………………………………..

• Naturally, Vienna is a fantastic place for Vampires! To tell the truth, here in this city, they do not only appreciate the occasional sip of wine, but also the tasty suck of blood! Especially if it originated with the right kind of bunny and has the desired flow to it!

• ………………………………………..

• No, no – there is certainly no shortage! You see, we have all those retired persons in Vienna, an ample supply of choir boys and masses of Lipizzaner horses! Now this is something you will probably not believe, but the very young suckers, that is to say, the ’bloody young lollers’ really like to first practice with one of those dripping retired necks before proceeding with particular lust by using the white young necks of choir boys or choir girls! Well, and for every day, they sometimes take a Lipizzaner horse – this is simply a fact of life!!

• ……………………………………….
• Of course not during the performances of the ’Spanish Riding School”, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann, that goes without saying! I mean afterwards, when the Lipizzaner horses have been taken back to their stables and are tired and hardly able to move. …
• ………………………………………..

• No, we do not exclusively staff our company with vampires! That would be something the inspectorate division would not permit! Here in this country, everything is well regulated, as everybody knows. Even the vampire quota! In fact, it is quite possible that this regulation originated as early as the monarchy?

• ………………………………………..

• Of course, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann, all must always be in order! In our delicate blood business, anything else would be unthinkable. What do you think how many ’Good People’ constantly are on our backs, wanting to let something stick with us! We have to be extra careful at all times …

• ………………………………………..

• Exactly! And since we have these restrictions for our employees, Mister Hupka- Hürlimann, we only employ true vampires in very limited numbers in our party service – everything else would be much too expensive, anyway!

• ………………………………………..

• No way! What do you think! We at the party service ’Blood Lust’ are organized in such a way that 70% of the employees are so-called NVP-s, that is ’Non Vampire People’! And of the remaining 30%, 20% are HVP-s, that is ’Hetero Vampire People’, which means that they are sometimes this and sometimes that. Only 10%, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann, are true PVP-s, i.e. ’Pure Vampire People’! As you see, the ratio is truly minimal!

• ………………………………………..

• You are perfectly correct! The press makes far too much ado about it! If you are honest, you really cannot say there is a vampire excess here in the entire EU. In fact, we have a sad lack! A few more would actually be quite a good thing for all this ’SpinTopGame ’, you can believe me…

• ………………………………………..

• Correct – as you can see in our team! We here in our optimized service department ’Blood Lust’ are no more than six people!

• ………………………………………..

• What? You are asking if only six out of ten employees are true vampires?

• ………………………………………..

• Yes, that is absolutely correct, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann! I see you must be a true mathematician, otherwise you would not have done the computation that quickly! Congratulations!

• ………………………………………..

• How we handle the six out of ten employees?

• ………………………………………..

. Well, it is very simple: it means that Hubert, our only vampire, only works and acquires after midnight – that is how easy it is!

• ………………………………………..

• Certainly, sir. As you see, sometimes matters are easier than one would have assumed? But now, what about your order, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann? What exactly can we provide for you?
• ………………………………… ..

• Leiwand – well, it certainly facilitates things if you already informed yourself on our homepage about all the products and services we offer.

• ………………………………………..

• You definitely can order everything immediately via telephone! We are used to not making much of a fuss about things!

• ………………………………………..

• Just tell me all you need, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann – and I will enter everything in our central computer:

• ………………………………………..

• I understand – you want 50 litres of bio blood type A and 30 litres of bio blood type AB, but none of blood type B! Your German guests are not keen on this one! Well, this is interesting information, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann!

• ………………………………………..

• Yes, you are right! Blood type B tastes a little stale, doesn’t it? Your experts in Hanau will probably call it furry! Now tell me, are you particular about the Rhesus Factor?

• ……………………………………….

• No! Well, I can easily understand that! Yes, you are absolutely correct: as far as taste is concerned, the Rhesus Factor really is not a big deal; especially if you serve it sparkled on lots of ice! You will taste practically no difference between the rhesus factors: neither in the bouquet, nor as you swallow it!

• ………………………………………

• Is there anything else you would like, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann?

• ………………………………………

• What? You want to know what the ’bio ’ in our blood product label means?

• ………………………………………

• To be sure! Basically, you can say blood is always bio! But in our case it means that it is really the purest quality, still having this inimitable blood smell! After all, ours is a certified brand – if you know what I mean.

• ………………………………………

• Well – as I am sure you read in our prospectus, we also deliver blood products in totally different flavours!

• ……………………………………….

• Yes! That is blood we mostly get from passionate wine drinkers. It smells just a little bit of ’Blauem Zweigelt’ or ’Grünem Veltliner’! Or of Riesling! But we are talking really only a very tiny bit of flavour. This is something for real gourmets! You have to be blessed with an extremely fine-tuned tongue, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann! Incidentally, currently we also have huge quantities of blood with a delicious Vodka flavour for the not quite so fine-tuned tongue! I would very much recommend it if you want something really noticeable – not just some subtlety!

• ………………………………………..

• Indeed, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann, this blood is imported from the Ukraine on a daily basis, which makes it excellent quality, since it has been directly flown here from the war zone!

• ………………………………………..

• Yes – I am sure you want to try it – it is truly delicious and extravagant. I am sure your party guests will relish every drop of it. …

• ………………………………………..

So here I am adding another 10 litres of AB with Vodka flavour and another five litres AB with ’Blauen Zweigelt – body’ to your order. Great, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann! This is such a well-balanced order that I can only congratulate you in the most sincere way in the name of our house! Truly!

• ………………………………………..

• What? Who are our suppliers? Well, we do it all through the very professional Amazone Drone Service! They are just top! Their deliveries are reliable and always on time! Never any problems!

• ………………………………………..

• You are right! This is another sector where Amazone cooperates directly with the NSA. Consequently, they always know practically in real-time where and when the latest blood sources can be tapped …

• ………………………………………..

• Yes, it is truly a great thing! There is no other way to say it! At long last, they found a use of modern technology that absolutely makes sense! Apart from this, they only use technology for nonsense, don’t they?

• ………………………………………..

• Yes – so again many thanks for your order, Mister Hupka-Hürlimann! I hope you will soon again be our customer! And as I said: delivery will be prompt and discrete! Just like is always our custom in this house!

• …………………………………………..

• And a special greeting from colleague to colleague! I guess you are also one of those true blood suckers, just like I am?

• …………………………………………..

• You know, something always tells me immediately! This kind of similarity makes you a nice person in my eyes, even if you are a Piefke! No offense meant! And greetings again…

KH
(Translated by EG)

Roland Dürre
Sunday April 7th, 2013

Cough Syrup and “No Waste” …

At winter’s end (?), I finally caught it myself: the nose started running, the neck hurt, I started coughing. To be sure, I was not totally incapacitated, but still, I felt rather handicapped. It was not a nice phase, and as of now, it is not yet quite over, either.

Of course, I tried to alleviate my ailments. On the whole, I consumed two boxes of cough sweets and a small bottle of “Spitzwegerich”.

The cough syrup came in glass bottles that held 150 ml. The glass bottle had a powerful plastic screw cap and was packed into a cardboard box. It also included a long product description and a measuring container! The measuring container had markings for 5, 10, 15 and 20 ml (millilitres).

What a ridiculous amount of effort for just a little sugared “Spitzwegerich” and some alcohol!

Firstly, I tried to follow the manual and pour the appropriate amount into the plastic measuring container, before consuming it. No easy task. To be sure, the measuring container made it possible to give precisely the right amount of fluid, but it was impossible to get all of this sticky substance into my mouth in one go.

Even my otherwise rather agile tongue capitulated before the task. Afterwards, I had to carefully rinse the measuring container, which was all but easy. And then I had to put it back onto the bottle to avoid losing it. It was a really sticky affair.

In my childhood, things were done differently. They did not produce plastic waste. The proper amount was listed in “teaspoons”. Every household had a teaspoon.

A spoon is a highly developed and refined tool. Mouth and tongue can easily and completely take up what is in it. It is a tool you can easily clean. During the remaining days of my medication time, I decided in favour of this traditional method.

Why do they even produce nonsense like measuring containers? It is unconceivable that these measuring containers make it possible to actually get the amount absolutely correct, because you never get it all out of the container.

No! It all happens because some fraudulent product designers want to persuade the customer that there is allegedly some advantage to the new method. Isn’t this product designed in ever such a practical and innovative way? The measuring container is a fire signal for the great fake they use to make a fool of the stupid consumer on all levels.

And then I think of all the many millions of stupid plastic measuring containers for cough syrup and similar medication being let loose on our planet in this way.

I chose this example very deliberately, because the plastic container for cough syrup shows on a very small scale how irrational and stupid we act when dealing with our resources. Of course, weighing only three grams (I weighed it), the measuring container is a negligible entity and as such totally “irrelevant”.

But whenever I think of all the masses of plastic containers that are a lot bigger and serve as package material for all kinds of products, it gives me pause. This madness starts with small things and will beat us with big things. Thus, the cough syrup is a good symbol of useless waste, where small waste is justified because it is nothing compared with the big waste. And we are stupid animals for slaughter, who agree with every stupidity. Take the buttermilk out of plastic containers or the Coffee2Go we carry around.

Even if it seems maniacally small-minded to me, I have started to avoid products with too much packaging wherever I can. No more food in plastic containers or tetra-pack, no cosmetics in plastic bottles or pressurized dispenser, no tins and deep-freeze food. These are all things I no longer buy for my personal use.

And you know what – it works quite well! And it does not mean the least bit of impediment for me. On the contrary, it improves my joy in life. Just like, ever since I stopped driving a car, I feel even better than before. Except that the common thoughtlessness I see in many of my contemporaries now hurts even more. Because, after all, I know how I, myself, used to let myself fall victim to all those charms.

Why don’t we just put a stop to this stupidity and combine our forces to fight this industrial mania?

RMD
(Translated by EG)

Roland Dürre
Sunday March 17th, 2013

Emily Post of the 21st Century

Today: communication, mail and messages!

I take calls from everybody at all times. Most of my friends, however, know that you should only call others if you have something really, really important to tell them.  Consequently, I have to answer the telephone relatively infrequently. But there are some exceptions . Some people call me more often than strictly necessary. And since those people are very nice people, I forgive them.

But seriously: if it were up to me, I would write quite a few new things on communication in “Etiquette in Society, Business and at Home – 2013”.

For instance, when it comes to the letter C as in “communication”, I would write the following commandments:

  • Never call anybody unnecessarily!
  • Only use the telephone function of your small, mobile computer when you are in a totally hopeless situation!
  • In particular, avoid calling while travelling – no matter if you are walking, riding a bike, driving a car or going by train!
  • Only call someone if you have arranged to call beforehand!
  • If you cannot avoid calling someone, find out if maybe communicating via Hangout or perhaps Skype is a better alternative!
  • And, please, prepare in advance what you want to talk about. Arrange your ideas and have all documents you may need for reference handy before you start dialling!
  • And, please, do not be too talkative and long-winded!

Under the letter M like in “Mail” I would formulate as follows:

  • Only send an email if there is no better alternative!
  • How about re-reading about TOFU!
  • If you have to send an email, avoid long footers!
  • Avoid at all costs attachments with some strange legally necessary and yet totally useless phrases!
  • Wherever possible, send your email only to one recipient!
  • If at all, use “cc” only as in the way of sending a  “copy to”!
  • Never send “bcc”, because it is forbidden!
  • Well – and if we are talking one of those ping pong emails: why don’t you just delete all the rubbish and all those footers!

More on the letter M like in “Messages” :

  • Wherever possible, avoid SMS!
  • If you have to send short messages to people, use the medium preferred by your partner. You might use “What’s App”, FB Messenger, Twitter DM or some such!
  • Do not write short messages unnecessarily long!

And here another letter M like in “Miscellaneous” where I would give you basic advice as follows:

  • Never think in terms of distribution, but always in terms of communities!
  • In communication, too, transparency and openness are the central values!
  • Whenever you write about persons, keep in mind that the person concerned might read it!

I am sure you could find more on the subject. And if necessary, I am quite willing to justify every one of the aforementioned points. And in the future, I will also try to adhere to my own rules a little better.

RMD

(Translated by EG)

Klaus Hnilica
Thursday October 25th, 2012

Mushroom Dishes

Carl and Gerlinde (XXVIII)

It was like a meteor strike!

At least with respect to how often it happened. In terms of the actual damage done, it was actually initially negligible!

But if you looked at how frequently it happened, it was really as scarce as a meteor strike – which, basically, is no surprise when you are talking a mushroom dish. After all, mushrooms are rather few and far between – and the yellow boletus even more so!

If, however, you included the slime mould ’Physarum polycevalum’ into your considerations, then fungi suddenly were no longer all that scarce; not to mention all those disgusting fungi that seemed to feel comfortable on the most intimate parts of the human body with their mycelia. Nobody could claim they were not itchy!

Still, the fact remains that the slimy protozoon ’Physarum polycevalum’ is a lot more aggravating than all other fungi, because it can practically make its slimy way on the shortest route to all the places in this world without any involvement of brains. In particular, it can go wherever you will find oats. And you really can find oats everywhere, can’t you? Not just in larders, kitchens, drawers and on tiled floors.

But, of course, you could never find them on Gerlinde’s kitchen floor!

Let alone in one of her drawers, because, naturally, this brainless ’slimy’ would never have even the ’slightest chance in the oats‘ world’ where Gerlinde’s cleanliness and orderliness reigned –  a fact that went without saying, both in her own and Carl’s opinion.

But – at least so Carl thought – why should that mean that no other fungus must ever appear more often than a meteor in their shared kitchen? Take, for instance, the much-loved-by-Carl yellow boletus Boletus edulis of the giant puffball group. He certainly would not have minded if this species had found its frying and comfortably frizzling way into the sparklingly clean kitchen a little more often over the year. That would definitely have been welcome!

On the contrary!

Well, basically, as a logical conclusion and if you do the probability calculations, it had to happen at some time, didn’t it? So it happened that one Wednesday, when Gerlinde, as she put it, just could no longer resist the almost obscenely displayed yellow boletus at Emmi’s fruit and vegetable stand on the weekly market at H., she actually bought some.

Buying them had practically become a duty since Emmi had already registered how longingly Gerlinde had looked towards the yellow boletus while being served the desired fruit choice of mango, melons, papaya and kiwi. Almost at an aside, Emmi had informed her that Carl, as he had confessed not long ago, liked the yellow boletus ever so much. So Gerlinde really had no choice but to ask the caring Emmi to weigh in a good portion of those obscene yellow boletus for her Carl who was obviously loved by all women. Well, she had better take six hundred gram, Emmi said with a roguish laugh!

Gerlinde even managed to get the wide tagliatelle from the neighboring stall and still be there as promised for a cup of the delicious cappuccino with Hannelore and Kurt at their favorite Italian restaurant before heading home to prepare the mushroom festival for Carl…

Later in the afternoon, when Carl came home from the office surprisingly early and as he just unlocked the door, his very sensitive nose – which, strangely enough, always found its way to the kitchen like a magnet needle found the North Pole – noticed that actually something as fundamental as a meteor strike must have happened: his Gerlinde, who was not known for being particularly enthusiastic about cooking, was busy preparing his favorite dish!

Tonight, he was indeed going to eat – mind you, this was no fata morgana – ’Roasted yellow boletus in cream and wine!

It really seemed almost like Gerlinde had foreseen that this was a day when he would be especially in need of some balm to make him feel better. After all, this had been another one of those days you really want to forget in a hurry. Otherwise he would probably not only have murdered this new anathema Fritz Kogler in cold blood right the next day, but ’Golden Bernie’ , who had seen to it that this ’slimy fungus Kogler’ got into the section ’outerwear’ with sales as his responsibility, along with him.

Mind you, there was nothing basically wrong with Fritz Kogler. Except that, for a man, he was just too handsome, and he knew it, too. And the young female employees were falling for his slimy charm just in the same manner as did scattered oats when confronted with the ’Physarum polycevalum’!

Incidentally, this whole affair had already been going on for three weeks. After all, it had been the wish of Dr. Bernhard Osterkorn that this slimy Fritz should definitely learn about the entire TRIGA company; and the section ’hosiery and knitted articles’ for which Carl was responsible as a salesperson, was definitely part of the whole company.

And it was truly sad that this stupid, very pregnant cow, Miriam Braun, who, after all, had already been ensnared by our ’dear Bernie’ did not notice how this Fritz Kogler kept listening in on her and spinning intrigues all around her!

For Carl, it had been quite obvious after no more than two days that this slimy Fritz was massively pushing towards the ’underwear’ of Miriam Braun. He literally thirsted for her post as soon as she would be on her maternity leave. But the allegedly so clever and worldly Miriam Braun never seemed to notice it. Instead, regardless of her pregnancy, or maybe because of it, she was totally fascinated by the disgusting Fritz.

And that was exactly what promoted ’Bernie‘s’ always brilliantly seedy game: because since Miriam Braun had disappointed him, it was clear that this beast had to be demolished piecewise until she would herself realize that she had been a huge mistake for TRIGA and was no longer needed. So sunshine boy Kogler was exactly what Dr. Osterkorn needed at this time.

But now – back in his home sweet home – Carl’s world was at least in balance for one small moment. His beloved Gerlinde had prepared his favorite meal for him!
It all smelled absolutely heavenly …

Gerlinde, too, exuded some aroma when she came towards him with her happily reddened face; the light and sweet Riesling she had used for the sauce had apparently already had some effect on her…

She was truly excited when, after her deliciously wet welcoming kiss, she told Carl in randomly capricious fashion how it all had happened with these strange mushrooms today. How they had attracted her attention in a truly obscene manner and she had therefore had no choice but to buy them; how she was now truly looking forward to all this mushroomy paradise which, basically, she had not dared to prepare in ages. As this went on, Carl saw himself being more and more compelled to suffer the ever-present multitude of odors wafting through the air. Snuffling with relish, he pushed Gerlinde ever further back into her own, holy kitchen area, directing his own insatiable nose not only towards the frying pan where the first installment of golden-brown delicacies was already comfortably frizzling, but also towards her fleshy, naked arms and her neck until finally reaching her slightly lighter, flimsily soft hairline in acrobatic sniffing manner, while a fidgety Gerlinde, getting less and less focused, tried to turn the brown mushroom slides with her kitchen utensils….

Making use of her last reserves of housewifely instinct, Gerlinde also tried to direct Carl, who wound himself around her in python style, towards the already waiting mortar with the fresh caraway – before, with a shrill outcry and several more noise, this makeshift defense, too, broke down and the more and more stony mushroom glory got mercilessly charred in the frying pan…

The accompanying wads of smoke shortly afterwards not only caused the smoke-detector to activate the siren; they also remained lingering through the entire building for several days, reminding them in a ghostly manner of the events of the day.

KH
(Translated by EG)

Roland Dürre
Sunday May 6th, 2012

What Annoys Me … #26 People Not Being Punctual

All through my life, I knew people not to arrive on time. To me, however, it seems that this tendency is now enjoying more popularity than ever.
And why not? After all, there is a perfectly acceptable excuse today – traffic jams on all kinds of streets.

Well, this is an excuse I, as a biker, cannot use. Consequently, I have to think of something more original. Naturally, the unexpected wind from the opposite direction will not suffice if everybody can feel there is no wind.

And in order to sound credible with a puncture, I would first have to soil my fingers, which is not something I want to do.

Mind you, people can be on time, if they only want to. It was again proved to me when I went to see the last concert of the Wise Guys last Friday at the Gasteig (of course, it was again completely sold out). All the seats in the broad carousel are occupied five minutes before the show starts. All of them? No! I actually can see two couples of vacant seats somewhere within my view.

Will the owners of those tickets come? Has something happened to prevent them from coming? Or will they be late? Two of the vacancies are in the second row. Now wouldn’t that be something? Well, not for me, since I have a seat in the first row. But some people sitting further back would certainly appreciate them, wouldn’t they?

The Wise Guys enter the stage and start the concert. Those seats are still vacant. But since the wise guys are truly nice, they pause after 10 minutes and four people are permitted to come to the front and take the good seats.

Well, this Wise Guys concert showed me that people can actually be punctual if only they want to or have to. Even if they go by car. And I have seen the same happen when I went to the theatre or cinema.

It is much the same as with the railway. You have to be at the platform on the dot, even though the train mostly will not be on time. Because if, just once, you are late by two minutes, you can bet that this is the one day when the train will leave on time.

Yet, if you come to see me, you do not have to be punctual.

So what do I do about it?

For me, it is not a terrible thing if people who have an appointment with me are not on time. Because I always have enough work, or else am happy to have a little leisure time.

I also know that for those people who come to see me and are late, I am not less important than the Wise Guys or the theatre or the railway. The fact that they are on time there is just something the system forces them to do. On the other hand, their not being punctual when they come to see me is socially acceptable and perfectly normal behaviour. Perhaps this is part of our automobile culture.

And as to myself, I always try to be on time.

Being a biker, I do not have much of a choice, do I? There is no excuse I can think of.

Besides – I do not think I find people not being on time so terrible.

Perhaps I even like them.

RMD

P.S.
Here is a song by the Wise Guys I particularly like:
🙂 Ich schmeiß mein Auto auf den Müll