Klaus Hnilica
Saturday November 16th, 2019

(Deutsch) Caros Rache – oder die ungewollte Spaghettisierung

Sorry, this entry is only available in German.

Klaus Hnilica
Tuesday September 24th, 2019

Trend Research with Carl

Carl and Gerlinde (# 62)

”Carl – there is a lady who wishes to talk to you“, Gerlinde yelled from the kitchen, before finally, deciding to bring him the telephone into his home office, after all.

”Good morning, this is Cornelia Koch from the Trend Research Institute! I was hoping that you might be willing to let us ask you a few questions?“

Carl took a deep breath and said “yes”!

”Many thanks! After all, we are dependent on people like you if we want to do a fair job.“

”Okay“, said Carl.

”I would now like to ask three questions – and as soon as you have answered them, I will leave a thank-you present for you.“

”Hm“, replied Carl.

”The first question is: are you married?“

”Why?“

”Well – my first question is about the marital status: are you married?“

”Do you happen to work for a matchmaking agency?“

”No – of course not. We are the Trend Research Institute and the only thing we want to do is find out certain social trends. So let me ask again: are you married?

”Yes and no!“

”What exactly do you mean by that?“

”Yes“, Carl replied spontaneously. He heard Gerlinde’s snicker – apparently, she had her ear on the door …

”Well, so here is the next question: do you own a house?“

”Ah – you work in realty and you are looking for objects to sell on?“

”No – we are the Trend Research Institute and we would appreciate it if you gave concise answers to my questions. So do you own a house?“

”I own several houses”, said Carl.

”How is this?“

”I own several houses!“

”May I ask how many houses you own?“

”Twenty-six!“

”This is not my idea of a good joke? Are you pulling my leg?“

”That is something I would never do without previously having asked for your shoe size!“

“Good – so I will write down twenty-six! So here is the last question: do you live in one of your own houses, or are you renting?“

”I am renting one of my own houses!“ now Carl was really getting a little impatient.

”And why is that?“

”Because my wife insists that I pay rent!“

”Why does your wife take rent from you?“

”Because I told her to demand rent from me …“

“From you?“

“Naturally, because we live together!“

”What kind of sense does that make?“

”It makes a lot of sense, because that is how she has her own money with which to pay the rent that she owes me“!

“You also charge her?“

“Yes, – because that is how I practically live for free?“

“And your wife?“

“She would also live for free, if she were to marry me at long last …“

“Thank you so much for this conversation!“

“So what about the thank-you present?“

“Well, I guess that has become obsolete“!

“This is outrageous“, said Carl in the direction of Gerlinde who suddenly appeared in the open doorway.

“Carl, I think it was really great how you taught that miserable telephone lady a lesson. I am really proud of you“!

Since she then disappeared noiselessly, Carl had no opportunity to tell her that, after this remark, he was going to cut some of the money he paid to her as his rent!

K.H.
(Translated by EG)

Klaus Hnilica
Friday August 2nd, 2019

It Can Be Done With White – I Know …

Dear Roland,

I understand your desire to promote freedom and your solid belief that this vision of yours must be something we can achieve on this planet (see:  http://if-blog.de/rd/die-teekanne-und-der-frieden/ ), but in my view, the future of the world is white.

Because if our earth were basically white, all would be well. With a little white paint and minimal gen manipulations, this is actually far easier to achieve than, for instance, a removal of the anti-peace testosterone from the male sex.

And the climate change that everybody laments would be practically non-existent, since a white planet would reflect more of the sun’s rays and thus the warming of the earth would be impossible. Moreover, the entire biosphere – i.e. all plants and creatures – would have gotten used to the colour white eons ago. At least in those parts where winter was a matter of course.

But even apart from this, in a white world, all potential conflicts would solve themselves in a white fog: all racism would be obsolete, because all humans would be white. White facial and top hair would further reduce the difference between generations and sexes, especially if everybody wore white clothes.

The number of books would be drastically reduced, because white print on white paper would provide us with totally new perspectives and every man, woman and child would need only one book. Besides, it would be totally irrelevant how many pages such a book has. Except in those cases where you need a particularly thick or thin book in order to stabilize a tilting table.

This aspect would be similarly dramatic in art and photography, thereby reducing the common capitalist intrigues in the art scene to a minimum. And all lamentation that this would mean that such a measure removes the yellow of the egg would be of no consequence, because you would only have the white of the egg. Not to mention the world-wide scourge of humanity: colour blindness. In a single stroke, all humanity would get rid of it once and for all.

Written hate messages would no longer exist in a white world, because if you use white writing on a white surface, you cannot do much and thus you cannot spread hatred. The powerful concerns Appel, Facebook, Alphabet and Amazon would have a totally new face in such a world, their stock market value would certainly dwindle to almost nothing or even become zero.

The same would be true for the entire digitalization in general.
And if, in addition, by way of a minimal orthographic reform, the words white and wise were to become synonymous, then this would not only make us all white citizens and voters, but even wise citizens and voters who all would be living in eternal contentment and peace! However, you could not really prove any of this because all white reasoning, even if it were extremely wise, would be invisible on a white background… …

K H
(Translated by EG)

Klaus Hnilica
Saturday March 16th, 2019

Tenerife and its Thieving Magpies

Carl and Gerlinde (instalment # 61)

Honestly – for all normal humans, it is truly an extraordinary delight if they, at long last, can be gleeful without all restraint. At least, this is certainly true for Carl!

And he feels he can enjoy that glee particularly when it is about Tenerife. That island where Gerlinde, a few years ago, had sought refuge for a few weeks when, in a spell of mental incapacitation, she had thought she needed to separate from Carl. But then, what clear-minded woman would ever separate from Carl?

None – at least that is what Carl believes.

And in the end, Gerlinde did not really do it! Because as soon as she had seen what grandiose advantages this miraculous creature of a man had, she had commenced snuggling up to him again after surprisingly little time.

Naturally, he had been quite happy to have her back: after all, they had really gotten along brilliantly over all these years. And, to this day, he did not understand why she had needed this time-out at the time – and on this stupid island Tenerife to boot! He had never really liked it. And he also had never ever wanted to fly there.

And where he now – for the sake of peace – had flown again with Gerlinde. Just like all those other seven million tourists who spent time here every year. And they were old, fat, from England and Germany and France and even – who would have thought it possible – from Russia…

And Carl had to admit that this “Barceló“ in Puerto Santiago with its four stars was actually not a bad hotel. Even if he felt reluctant about admitting it: this hotel really sat near the black lava coast in such a picturesque way that it reminded you of a crusader. You could imagine starting your voyage at any moment. Directly into the Atlantic Ocean, passing San Sebastian, the Capitol City of Gomera, just like long ago Christopher Columbus who also, just like Carl and Gerlinde, had only the endless blue ocean in front of his nose every day and every night – and the stiff westerly breeze.

Admittedly, the splendid promenade along the small fisher harbour in this small town of Puerto Santiago, too, was not bad. Regardless of the many bad construction sins along the promenade that stretched far into the hinterland, even up the black volcanic slopes.

The lone diver, who was chained to a steel balustrade, looked funny. The contraption was probably meant against thieves and against the strong Kalima that blew from Africa all the time. He had advertisements from a diving school in his breast pocket and both his arms looked surprisingly unhappy as they hung down. And although his left hand had been bitten off – probably by a frustrated terrier –a long time ago, his right hand, wearing a red glove, courageously pointed into the thirty-metre abyss of a black Barancos that flowed into the near ocean directly behind him. Its powerful waves had been rising up and eating into the black lava coast for millions of years day in day out.

To the left behind the diver, you could see the newly built spectacular town fairground that jutted out far into the ocean and at the front end of which stood the statue of a deserving Spaniard. It was surrounded by Guanches that had visibly been treated poorly by the Spaniards, who had not left their work unfinished in the name of Christendom: with the exception of hints in the genes of the current population, nothing was left of them today.

Almost every other day, Carl and Gerlinde strolled along the fairground towards the Arena, enjoying the marvellous view onto the ocean and regularly making their way towards one of the typical pubs, where they would regard the lively atmosphere on the small beaches while sipping their Cortado and Aqua con Gas.

The same was true for this Thursday. Except that, today, the Kalima was blowing even stronger than before, which meant that at noon, when they were again commencing with their stroll, they were quasi surrounded by a permanent coat of sound. Countless tourists made their way through the broad pedestrians’ paths and practically every single pub along the street was firmly in the hands of semi-nude old men who mostly quietly sat behind huge beer glasses with their white-haired wives. However, when they spoke, what they said mostly sounded English, very seldom German and never Spanish.

When, almost in a fearfully good mood, Carl returned with Gerlinde in order to eat their usual portion of grilled sardines with ample rose wine at the Paraiso del Sol, he suddenly got the impression from the sound of the Kalima that something inside his body there was a short vibration. It was not the cell-phone he was carrying in his breast pocket. After the second vibration, he knew that it came from the backpack behind. He quickly turned around and even touched one of the two darkly attired, black-haired women who were far too close behind him but showed not the slightest degree of surprise.

Instead, they passed him without any reaction. All of a sudden, he found himself annoyed at being by himself, took the backpack from his back and unbelievingly stared at the two wide-open compartments of his backpack with the scarves, hats, water-bottle, spectacle container and hairbrush in it. In shock, he called for Gerlinde who had walked a few steps ahead and not noticed anything about the two ladies before her – probably Roma – having intended to steel from him. They probably had not found anything interesting in his backpack.

Still in the process of calling, Carl, besides a paralyzing helplessness, felt an intense anger rise inside and would really have liked to overwhelm those two pick-pockets immediately. However, these two were not even reacting to his calling out to Gerlinde. Instead, they pretended that all this racket had nothing to do with them. In fact, they even positioned themselves next to the chained diver, took a leaflet out of his breast pocket and studied it with interest.

Carl felt that he, too, with his open backpack, had to be there and was there in a few strides. However his study of the leaflets consisted of constantly gazing at the two dark magpies, which they did not even seem to notice.

Suddenly, Gerlinde stood next to him and said: “Carl, I will now go and buy those shoes we saw together yesterday in the shop over there”.

”Okay“, Carl said apathically, without actually knowing what Gerlinde was talking about. He continued staring at the two black ghosts before him…

”But I will need some money from you, I do not carry any money on me. I am sure you have it in the front backpack pocket as usual, don’t you?“

Before Carl could react, she lifted the backpack that Carl had hanging over his arm and miraculously produced four 50-Euro-bills out of the third small backpack compartment that the beasts had not opened and that only contained Aspirin and a few drugs. She then disappeared without another word to the opposite side of the street.

Suddenly, Carl got the impression that the two black misery messengers no longer kept their painfully preserved facade of good temper: they replaced the leaflet back in the diver’s breast pocket with such a jerk that he almost toppled over regardless of his chains. Then they hurried away. As their distance from him grew, the venom they showered each other with increased. At least to Carl it looked like they were accusing each other of having spoiled a huge chance in a truly amateurish way.

And Carl not only realized suddenly why he was so deeply in love with his boisterous Gerlinde, but also and above all felt the heart-warming power of justified glee rising from inside…

K.H.
(Translated by EG)

PS:
In Instalment (XXI)
Hinter Sonnenbrillen vor Gomera
loves Gerlinde her time on Teneriffa!

Klaus Hnilica
Thursday November 29th, 2018

At the Dentist Between Drill and Spittle Suction

Carl and Gerlinde (# 60)

Somehow or other, Dr. Mittler had reserved a special place in his heart for Carl and Gerlinde. Whenever he gave them lead seal, a dental calculus remove or a root treatment, he emphasized how lucky they all were about him knowing them both and being able to chat with them. At times, Carl even started wondering if Dr. Mittler was perhaps secretly in love with his Gerlinde, because of how charmingly he spoke to her and how he overwhelmed her with compliments whenever she went to see him once a year for her routine teeth examination.

Since Carl, just like Dr. Mittler, was an enthusiastic Vienna vacationist, there was only one topic whenever he went to get a treatment – Vienna!

Even more so because Dr. Mittler, who had been born in Dortmund, had almost accepted a professorship in Vienna. Eventually, he had decided to actually work as a practicing dentist ‘at the roots of things, or, of humans‘, as he always reminded them with a hearty laugh. And to this day he had never regretted the decision for a single minute.

He admired Carl not only for his fantastic knowledge of all the important and significant restaurants and “Heurigen” pubs in Vienna, but also for his ability to speak almost perfect Viennese dialect. Dr. Mittler, as a born ‘Ruhri‘, who still had not really gotten used to the taciturn Hessians and their atrocious dialect, could never get enough of it: words like leiwand, Servus, Beuscherl, Schmäh and Topfenstrudel were simply balsam for his aching soul and he was willing to listen to the sound of them all over again and again. Unless he talked himself, which actually he did without any interruption, full stop or comma and without ever even surfacing for fresh air. This meant that, even though he constantly enthused about Carl’s wonderful Viennese dialect, he probably never really noticed it…

And, of course, he certainly did not hear him when Carl, during his lyrical stories about his last Vienna vacation, lay before him with a widely opened mouth and he, Dr. Mittler, worked on a huge old amalgam seal on the lower right molar tooth with a drill. That is why, Dr. Mittler said with a look that asked approval from the slightly overweight Frau Römer who sat to the left of Carl with a spittle suction device, trying to open his mouth and treating his left lower lip quite badly, he found it extremely much of a comfort when Carl magically produced these familiar Viennese holiday sounds in his surgery by speaking in dialect.

It really was a first-class pleasure, he said with a smile and then allowed Carl a short break during which he could rinse his suffering mouth and relax his tense jaw line. In fact, this abruptly re-gained relaxation of his speech instruments could even have made it possible for Carl to utter a short contradiction in the most beautiful of Vienese dialects if only Dr. Mittler had interrupted his own rumblings for at least a fraction of a second or if he had only once taken a new breath. But since this was not what happened, he immediately was back to having the drill and the spittle suctioning in his mouth when – eager to get some relaxation – he was just going to close his mouth prematurely for the second time.

But at least Carl managed afterwards to utter several loud and rattling
“Aaaah!“s
that were accompanied by a painful facial expression when Dr. Mittler, while asking him which of the Heurigen pubs in Vienna are the most fashionable, shortly touched his gum. However, he admitted that he actually preferred the ‘Gösser Bierklinik‘ to all Heurigen pubs anyway because they served such huge Schnitzels.

Since Carl, due to his gum injury at the bottom right, began to blead quite freely, Frau Römer energetically pressed him against her stiff bosom in order to now not only drain the spittle, but also the blood. Which meant that Carl, when asked by Dr. Mittler if he felt any pain, could only give a short grunt and accompany it with a woeful look. At least, Frau Römer whispered – while Dr. Mittler kept talking – that he was allowed to also rinse his mouth at any time if he so desired.

Carl took advantage of this opportunity and gave a rather forced smile!
He gave his mouth three thorough rinses and then digested the information that Dr. Mittler, on top of the huge Schnitzels, also really loved the delicious Viennese dough-made food, which his wife did not appreciate at all because he often suffered from intense heartburn afterwards and consequently was in poor shape until noon of the following day.

But then the procedure was over!

At long last, Carl could again open and close his mouth, or rather: he could normally move it and also grin. Dr. Mittler asked him to make a new appointment with Frau Koch in the near future, because this was definitely necessary. After all, the new filling needed polishing and a few other small things also still needed to be done to his teeth.

Incidentally, said Dr. Mittler, he already very much looked forward to their next meeting, because he was then going to hear Carl’s wonderful Viennese dialect – which always made his heart skip a beat…

Carl nodded silently and gave the sensitive Dr. Mittler a hefty shake of the proffered hand.

KH
(Translated by EG)

PS:
This text is a total work of fiction and all similarities with existing persons is absolutely accidental.

Hi
Carl and Gerlinde (Instalment # 59)

By the way, Gerlinde, when I accidentally met our friend Kurt last Tuesday at REWE, he told me – under the pledge of secrecy – that, regardless of his considerable age, he will separate from Hannelore if, like in the previous years, she insists as stubbornly as she always did that we again book our next summer vacation together, Carl said at 22.20 hours when the temperature was still 28 degrees Celsius directly in front of the ice bar. This must have been the eighteenth time he wiped over his forehead with the same paper napkin.

Mind you, he added while steering Gerlinde towards the interior of the parlour, the nightmare was basically due to the word ‘together‘ as Kurt had put it while simultaneously, with the usual anxious nodding of his head, he had stacked ten cartons of ‘Philadelphia Cheddar‘ into his trolley.

Because his lamentable experiences last year between October and the end of the year regarding this year’s summer vacation was decidedly over the top, even if said top were that of a huge pregnant dairy cow, Kurt had said as they stood in the middle of the air-conditioned food area at REWE!

Since, however, neither Gerlinde nor Carl were able to decide spontaneously which of the numerous unoccupied tables to take in the neon-yellow sub-tropically warm ice-cream parlour – which was wide open at the front towards the street -, Carl shortly interrupted his report about Kurt’s confidential separation revelation while meandering from one table to the next until Gerlinde flung herself on a chair at the very back of the establishment and declared with a moan: it will be either here or I will suffer a break down on the spot!

Carl raised his eyebrows in disappointment but then – still dripping with perspiration – , after having joined Gerlinde and in the process almost having toppled over the neighbouring table, said that Kurt had talked about 34 travel brochures from five different travel agencies. Hannelore had forced him to work through all of them meticulously, along with making him to listen to 18 presentations in various adult education centres and libraries about travelling through Patagonia and diverse pole regions, through Australia and New Zealand, doing a desert safari and three different round-the-world-trips, as well as four meditation courses in Austrian and Greek convents. And all of it just because Hannelore could not make up her mind about what sort of vacation she wanted in which region of the world…

Gerlinde – holding the open ice-cream menu and pointing at a vanilla ice-cream fruit cup with plenty of cream with her right, almost stiff, index finger – said that she was not really surprised by this lament of Kurt’s. In fact, she, too, had already noticed that Hannelore seemed to become more and more indecisive as she grew older!

Since this was already the third time the waiter asked for their order, Gerlinde finally, with a threatening look at Carl, ordered her fruit ice-cream cup while Carl, although sitting in front of the several-page long ice-cream menu, was not yet ready to order more than a bottle of sparkling mineral water. Beyond that, he asked for a little patience as far as his ice-cream order was concerned and told Gerlinde that, when they were talking about this ‘monstrous vacation choice procedure‘ at REWE, Kurt had, above all, been angry with Hannelore because they were now, as a result of all this tedious work, starting a two-week trip to Portugal. To be precise: to a wellness hotel in the Algarve, where currently you had to endure 42 degrees Celsius in the shade and there were already forest fires twenty kilometres away that looked like they were never going to end …

Great – was Gerlinde’s laconic reply, before she took pity on the desperate waiter and ordered a CARLOS I (which was the least she could do) while Carl now at long last started to really get involved with the ‘ice-cream varieties‘ on the menu. Without giving the waiting steward a single glance, he told Gerlinde that, basically, his order was very easy. After all, he only wanted three balls of ice-cream without anything on it and consequently the only thing about which to make up his mind was the choice between dark and light chocolate, or about vanilla, hazel nut, stracciatella, strawberry, yoghurt, latte macchiato, cream-cherry, mango, maracuja, lemon, banana, pomegranate, raspberry, dragon fruit, bounty, cream grit, cinnamon, raffaelo, and seaberry- chinaberry! Nothing could be easier than that, which he found really hilarious..

But since the waiter still stood before him like a vengeful deity, he said, to the surprise of everybody, that he wanted an espresso.

Double – or single?, the waiter asked.

No – but maybe two balls of vanilla ice-cream after all, Carl said.

So: vanilla ice-cream!, the waiter typed it into his gadget.

No – just bring me a CARLOS I like the one Gerlinde has ordered.

And when, at long last, the incompetent waiter had left, Carl noted with a sour face that, for the first time, he now really pitied Kurt: because if he had a partner who was as indecisive as Hannelore, he would probably go crazy every single day of the year. With these words, he pushed the ice-cream menu towards Gerlinde with satisfaction. Gerlinde got up without a word and left.

Hopefully, she was only washing her hands?

KH
(Translated by EG)

Klaus Hnilica
Tuesday June 19th, 2018

Advantages of Integration and Progressive Digitalization

Ever since a new British study has found out that the progressive digitalization also offers massive advantages and totally new perspectives in this field, there is a new urgency to the question: To what extent vampires can actually be integrated?

Mind you, it was not the old and ancient protagonists who initiated this revolution. It is yet again the often so scolded youth who make the decisive steps towards this ’young future that cuts the edges’: they are the ones who not only talk about digitalization, which is what any second-class provincial politician does these days, but who also actually live digitalization!

Yes, it is the ’generation smart-phone’ who, in the 21st century and totally surprisingly and unplanned, restore a tiny bit of freedom to the vampires by letting them return to free biting!

After all – and you want to be honest about this – there is nothing more suitable for the direct and unhindered bite of a vampire than the naked and exposed little neck of a fifteen-year-old female smart-phone user who is fascinated by what she sees on her screen. And I mean all the time: on the street, in the train, on her bike, on the toilet and while doing her homework.

There is definitely nothing, absolutely nothing more suitable!

And this suitability for quick access is, naturally, not only true for the aforementioned fifteen-year-old girl, but also for all smart-phone users, regardless of their age and the colour of their skin: when they act as mentioned above, all these persons remain in the exact same position, with exactly identical ’bite invitations to their jugular’ in front of their device. In fact, the author of the British study I mentioned before even assumes that the inventor of the smart-phone must have had or have a ’vampire background’. This assumption becomes even more of a probability since all the smart-phone users are so fixated on their devices that they not only fail to notice the quick bite into their jugular, but also never even realize how they have been sucked out afterwards!

They are actually so immersed in their smart-phone world that they are not available for any other observation: the first time they actually often start yelling and getting aggressive is when – due to some unfortunate mistake – blood drips on their screens, because that is when they start soiling their own screens as they wipe around with their own blood on their fingers!

This is one of the reasons why leading vampires in business and politics started several years ago to vehemently demand from companies such as Apply, Samsung and Nokia to come up with the ’blood-absorbing screen’ at long last! After all, such a modification is absolutely necessary unless you want to carelessly miss this unique opportunity of integrating vampires into society: and I mean all vampires! This includes the less dexterous ones – those who, when they bite, sometimes cause a drop or two to fall where it should not!

It goes without saying that the sector data security, too, needs massive modifications: it happens quite frequently that smart-phone users take pictures of vampires while they feed on blood and then immediately send the pictures to the smart-phones of those who have been bitten!

This is often the moment when those who have been bitten actually realize that they are currently donating blood – and since they see it on their smart-phones, they also believe it. Their reaction is that they often start hectic defence movements – which might then again cause unnecessary extra blood loss.

Consequently, what we need immediately is legislative initiatives with a ’filming ban on blood feeds’. And these initiatives cannot be national solos but have to be coordinated on EU and UNO level. Basically, this should not be too much of a problem if all parties concerned mean the same blood and refrain from overeager bloody comments.
Another problem is probably far harder to solve.

What I mean is the bite into the ’wrinkled neck of an older person’ – which, as the aforementioned British study shows, is something some of the vampires also favour.

Luckily, these few ’connoisseurs’ will also find enough older smart-phone users today – even if their enthusiasm and stamina are nowhere near what we have with the young generation. That is something that does not really make quick bites easier!

But when all is said and done, this is not the central problem! The real problem is that, even if the bite on the ’far-from-fresh wrinkled neck’ is a success, the blood you get there tastes like a wine-soda mixture that contains one eighth of Riesling and one litre of soda water!
Which is nothing. Well, it is less than nothing!

That is because today practically all older people get huge amounts of expensive blood thinners from all their doctors and health insurances: this is certainly a good thing for the pharmaceutical industry and for the blood-thinned elderly people – but for vampires, it is a pure nightmare!

And I am not just talking the taste, but also the amount you need: due to this practice, vampires are not only forced to swallow immense amounts of blood, but also to visit the toilet all the time in order to get rid of all the water. This will quite often cause individual blockage situations at public toilets! Humans who suffer from weak bladders are those who will suffer most in the end!

Taking all these aspects into consideration, it can be said that much remains to be done before vampires enjoy the same paradise-like state of affairs in Germany that, according to our Federal Chancellor, the rest of the citizens can boast of!

But if the problems that still need to be solved are at long last tackled by politics without prejudices and without further loss of precious time, and if the entire society refuses to have a rising blood pressure because of all these concepts, then the integration advantages offering themselves through more digitalization – as shown by the British study – will soon be realized. Especially if measures are taken to make sure that blood will always remain thicker than any wine-soda mixture, because otherwise the elderly people will cause unacceptably long blood trails in their wake after each vampire bite. And said blood trails will then again cause massive data security problems, which certainly nobody can want; after all, we all know that there is nothing vampires want more than a chance to, at long last, have their blood feed undisturbed and in peace.

That is really all they want!

K.H.
(Translated by EG)

Klaus Hnilica
Tuesday March 27th, 2018

Saving Money with WHISKY

Carl and Gerlinde (# 58)

No, Carl did not wish to explain yet another time why he and Gerlinde had originally planned going to Tenerife but had then yet again ended up in Lanzarote, from where they had returned home yesterday night!

Gerlinde did not want to say anything on the matter, either: why had Hannelore and Kurt chosen this early Sunday morning during breakfast to invade their privacy, just because Hannelore, again, found it impossible to wait for the fantastic vacation report from Gerlinde? After all, she was eager to convince her Kurt that the Canaries were where they needed to go.

Carl was a little irritated when he asked them if they would like a cup of coffee or if they would prefer the champagne and the salmon appetizers he and Gerlinde had eaten at the “Iberostar Lanzarote Park Hotel“ each morning around this time as their brunch.

Oh – you stayed in the same hotel as last year? Hannelore piped. Gerlinde confirmed it with a tired nod while looking for the champagne glasses, because Carl was actually already on his way to fetch the champagne in the basement. Yes, when Hannelore wanted something he was always eager to please!

Come, Gerlinde, tell us how you liked Lanzarote? What was the weather like? Were the people nice and what about the general atmosphere? We want to know everything in detail, don’t we, Kurt?

Kurt gave a short nod and Gerlinde said: Well – yes – on the whole, it was quite nice!

Well – that does not sound too enthusiastic, does it, grumbled Kurt.

But it was – Carl interrupted while he let the champagne corks pop.

Unfortunately, as soon as the first week was over, I started coming down with this terrible cold. I am still not over it, Gerlinde moaned and, to prove her point, she filled two tissues with what had accumulated in her nose.

And I was cold all the time, Carl grinned while pouring the champagne for everyone.
Are you telling me that it was not as warm and spring-like as you had hoped?, asked Hannelore with her raised champagne glass in her hand.

For the many overweight people, it was certainly warm enough, Carl replied. But for the few normal weight humans, like us, it was not! But now cheers. Here is a toast to you and the fact that we are back home safe.

The constantly blowing cold north wind was really a nuisance this time. Gerlinde moaned with a grand suffering expression that Hannelore obstinately chose to ignore.

Great! – This is why you fly 4,000 kilometres in the direction of Africa, was Kurt’s smug comment. He finished his glass in one go and immediately and provocatively placed it again next to the champagne bottle that still contained a few sips.

There was not a single day when it was possible for her to lie in the sun for more than half an hour, because this stupid wind was always blowing. And she only swam in the pool three times in all these two weeks. Her cold, too, was probably because of this, Gerlinde continued lamenting. After all, now she was in lamenting mode and she noticed how this negative report made Hannelore more and more uncomfortable. But, naturally, she had not been the only one suffering from a cold: even early in the morning when everybody came to eat their breakfast, almost the entire room was filled with coughing and sneezing in all musical pitches when they arrived. And the flight back to Frankfurt, too, had been a single load of running and coughing noses.…

Since Carl, to the pleasure of Hannelore, had refilled the glasses with champagne and was now invitingly lifting his glass, Gerlinde had to interrupt her sneezing report for a short time. This gave Hannelore, after she had swallowed a few hasty sips, the chance to quickly ask the question if they had at least enjoyed nice day trips.

Yes, definitely, said Gerlinde after a long pause during which she, who was still wearing her bathrobe, had been swaying her upper body in both directions and taking small sips from her glass!

Immediately after arrival, they had booked this much-recommended and grandiose trip to the fantastic small fisher island ’La Graziosa’ in the north of Lanzarote for Wednesday: it was only 60€ per person and included lunch, the bus transfer from the hotel, the ride to the romantic harbour of Órzola and from there, with a catamaran, through the so-called Rio to the island of La Graziosa!

Unfortunately, however, it rained on this wonderful Wednesday, which scarcely ever happened, moaned Gerlinde. She asked Carl for a refill and also pointed out that the otherwise normal wind had grown into a veritable storm on this day, which meant that they could not stay on deck and that an extra glass bottom boat had to be commissioned to accommodate all the tourists who wanted to stay dry. After the meal on La Graziosa, they decided against another sightseeing tour of the island in the rain and instead cruised around the island with both ships through this deathly swell – after all, there are 6,000 kilometres of Atlantic Ocean directly behind Graziosa. As a result, she had to throw up all the time and even Carl was only just able to walk upright by the end of the tour.

After this short report, Gerlinde needed another glass of champagne and then sank down on her chair in a state of exhaustion. Carl finally took advantage of this opportunity to say something and added that, after this adventure, each of them had stood under the showers for half an hour in order to get a little warm again. Later, thank God, the unexpected happened – which saved the vacation …

And what unexpected event are you talking about? Hannelore eagerly asked with new hope in her eyes.

Well – I am not sure if I should tell? What do you think Gerlinde?
She did not care, muttered Gerlinde, all she wanted was another glass of champagne.

This is the fourth already, Carl noticed with some worry.

So – what?

Well, I was only mentioning it, he said while refilling the glass.

Incidentally, after the successful trip, their general state had been rather similar to the state Gerlinde was now in, Carl said to Hannelore and Kurt. And without further thought, they had then drunk all the four small bottles of Whisky from the mini-bar in order to sink into their beds with a minimum degree of content.…

However, the rude awakening came on the next morning when they discovered that the price for every one of those minuscule 5cl bottles of Whisky was 9.90€. This means that those four ridiculous bottles of Whisky – none contained more than what you could swallow with four mouthfuls – cost – 39.60 €! Well, this was certainly something you needed to give time to sink in, he moaned.

This is certainly not a bad profit for the hotel, Kurt – suddenly wide awake – commented!
And Gerlinde also moaned in her chair. However, her renewed call for champagne was no longer satisfied.

Instead, Carl told Hannelore that, naturally, nobody was going to treat him to such fraudulent rip-off. A short visit to the supermarket clarified the Whisky situation: the 75cl bottle of exactly the same brand was 15.85 €.

Even Kurt knew immediately what needed to be done. Consequently, he nodded when Carl, not without a certain degree of pathos, declared that he and Gerlinde spent the remaining 10 days of their vacation consuming 10 bottles of Whisky. Which meant that, after deduction of the acquisition costs, they had actually generated a plus of no less than 1,325.- € – as you could easily calculate yourself!

Ahhhh – Hannelore suddenly giggled, now it dawned on her: so that is what Gerlinde meant when she said that, all in all, you had been quite satisfied with your vacation!
Yes, that was probably what she meant, Carl confirmed since Gerlinde by then had gone to sleep in her chair. Apparently, the champagne had done its job!

And maybe the champagne had also helped Kurt who, without sounding any louder at all and with an air of self-evidence, suddenly said that, if such a potential for economizing was apparent, he could easily imagine spending a vacation on the Canary Islands.…

KH
(Translated by EG)

Roland Dürre
Thursday March 8th, 2018

SPORTS SOLDIERS in the JUNK ARMY

During the 2018 Olympic Games in South Korea, I was in the Antarctica. That was definitely not a bad idea for someone who wished to avoid the Olympic Commerce Terror.

Roland in the Antarctica as participant in the Olympic Competition of Hot Dog Pølser (genuine Danish red sausages) eating and beer drinking.

If you are not in favour of the media hype, if you are not all that “nationally” inclined and if you neither want to hail every individual medal nor the ranking on second of the FRG (GERMANY) of these strange “Olympic” winter competitions, then it is a good idea to flee to a place as far away as possible while such “athletic” mammoth events take place.

Now many of you will say:
“What is wrong with you this time? Our GERMANY was really successful at long last! That is really something to be truly proud of as a German.“

It used to be much worse:
When I was younger, in the last millennium, people like me were often called “Traitors“ if they refused to really get into the collective Olympia and world championship euphoria. It was especially off balance whenever the success of the GDR’s National People’s Army was admired. Because all of them were using illegal substances, anyway.

As far as this is concerned, the world actually is now a slightly better place …
Yes, we came in second!

1 NorwayNorway  14  14  11  39
2 Deutschland Germany  14  10  7  31

However, you have to say “we only came in second” after Norway, which is a country with a population of only 5.3 million! We, the great nation Germany have 82.8 million inhabitants. And yet we took 8 fewer medals than they (four silver medals and four bronce medals). Isn’t that embarrassing? The success certainly gets a different perspective.

Let us take a closer look:
It was not we who were so successful (or rather, coming second, so much of a loser). It was the German Customs Officers, the German Federal Police and the German Armed Forces.

I used to believe that our Customs Officers were our weapons during the upcoming trade war against the USA under Mr. Trump. And that the Federal Police had important tasks such as protecting people on Christmas Fares against suicide attacks.

And that our Armed Forces are meant to be a deterrent? And that they are supposed to help such NATO partners as Turkey and also to give qualified assistance with the realization of a number of UN sanctions and activities? That is what I believed.

But all these assumptions are wrong! Those three institutions are apparently responsible for Olympic medals. Even the Armed Forces were quite successfully collecting medals. Although, allegedly, nothing works well at the Armed Forces. As you see, you cannot believe everything you read.

In summary, one can say that more than 100 out of our 154 Olympians in Pyeongchang are state employed (police, federal police, armed forces and customs officers).

Quelle rp-online.de

Even our ice hockey team was decorated with silver. They were 25 professionals (source Wikipedia), but in the total medal count, they only got one medal! Now isn’t that unfair?

It might be asked who was the 26th professional (see above on the graphical representation).

If I disregard those 26 professionals, more than 100 out of 128 Olympians were state employed, that is more than 78 %. This means that customs officers, police officers and the armed forces have a ¾ majority …

And I am annoyed with myself:
I did not stick to my intention to never again write anything trivial.
And I hope that this trivial article will not make me a traitor in anybody’s eyes.

RMD

P.S.
If I remember correctly, then the Norwegian Olympic Heroes, too, were mostly from the Norwegian Armed Forces.

(Translated by EG)

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