+On Thursday, at 11.50 a.m., in the fully packed “facility cafeteria”, Hubert Spiegel related the strange circumstances that led to the disarmament of the mysterious “mirror devil”. He started a little awkwardly by saying:

img270

“Well, you know, I am not really a patient of this “facility”! But my mom is! At her own instigation, she was admitted here five years ago! You may not believe this, but she liked the pasta soup served in this “facility cafeteria” so much that she refused to go anywhere else. Now isn’t that really mad?

Well- and now I come for a visit as often as I can. But then, you do not always have time, do you? After all, we all have to really work hard. Basically, none of us has a money machine at home, …

Aside from this – even if that may now sound a little strange – I am not one of the loonies residing in this “facility”!

But then – and I admit this quite frankly – sometimes in the morning at six when I am standing in front of my mirror in the bathroom and looking at this “stranger’s face” that smiles back at me, I start wondering if I, Hubert Spiegel, perhaps am mentally handicapped after all!

Neither am I all that sure if the person I see with that huge stupid grin on his face is actually me? Or maybe that is someone else altogether? Perhaps a “Peeper”? Or even one of those “stalkers”, as they call them in America…

Are you also familiar with the sensation that a stranger’s face follows you each day into your bathroom? Until you are standing in front of your mirror? The only thing that has proved to be helpful for me is sticking out my tongue at him!

So!!! Yes – I have to really do some prolonged asshole licking…

Because if the other one also gives me his asshole licking, then I know at least that he is no better than I am, which means there is no need for me to worry about him staying in my bathroom – if that is what he wants, he is quite welcome!

Now isn’t that really cute?

Well, you know, as time goes by, you simply come up with a few tricks, don’t you? After all, one is not totally brain-damaged! But just to be on the safe side, I regularly do the “ear-splitting test”!

Are you familiar with it? Because it is certainly of good parentage …
You would not believe how long this “ear-tip-stranger” needed before he eventually understood about the test and then managed to convince me that he really is not the evil one who wants to harm me! Because if there is one thing I really hate, then it is those poofters: I detest them as much as the devil hates holy water!

Anyway, initially it was always like this: whenever I gripped my ear and simultaneously stuck out my tongue – as did the guy opposite me – and whenever I then took hold of my right ear with my right hand – because I had to know, what the other one was going to do, didn’t I? – then that other devil always took hold of his left ear with the left hand … which means he did exactly the opposite of what I did? Can you imagine? Every single time…

Initially, it really almost drove me crazy! I simply could not believe that this stupid fucker was not capable of mimicking something as easy as this, instead doing exactly the opposite? I really found it unbelievable…

And, to be perfectly honest – I then started taking my orientation only from the lolling tongue. At least there I could be sure that I am really only dealing with the moron I knew…

But it was definitely no easy task!

Because as an extra devious plot, the idiot actually sometimes took his right hand to grip his right ear!

Yes – that is really what he did! But do you know when he did that? He did it exactly all those times when I touched my left ear with my left hand – that was exactly when he used his right hand, the trickster – and at no other times! Not ever at any other time…
Mind you, we are talking at six in the morning, and every morning – except Sundays – because I never wash on Sundays, nor do I even enter my bathroom! After all, Sundays are the days when I use water in the church for getting my skin wet – holy water!

Well – if you experience this kind of shit every day and then do not get mad, you are either completely gaga or – pardon the language – you are fucking way beyond caring!

But then, as I am sure you can easily imagine, I miss nothing. After all, who do they think I am? I am definitely not my mum!

Yes – if it had been my mum, then this devil in the bathroom would have been able to continue until doomsday. She would not have fought it; after all, she always was an easy pushover for all strange populist leaders.

But that is where I am different! I am far too street-smart to become thus victimized …

Would you like me to tell you how I won over this pig last Tuesday?
At six in the morning! In my bathroom! I bet you will never guess, although it is basically very easy if you think about it!

Well – last Tuesday – when I again stood in front of the grinning bastard – with my tongue lolling out down to my tits – and this devil also sticking it out – here is what I, the wise guy, did:
I moved my right hand to my right ear – but when the other one only grinned and moved his left paw towards his left ear – I moved like lightning and got my left hand to my left ear – which meant the stupid guy on the opposite side had no choice but to also grab his right ear – just like he always did…

And, people, I really wish you could have seen the stupid face this idiot with his lolling tongue suddenly made – with both paws holding both ears – exactly like me – and gone were the times of “left” and “right”, etc…

I can tell you, for me, this was an absolute hit on the head for liberty!

Because all of a sudden it dawned on me that this freaking idiot had just been tricking me all the time with his “right – left – turn” – and that he actually had been nobody else! No, absolutely not! In fact, it had always been me and me alone! Yes: me, me, me – opposite of myself – and with nobody else involved.

Can you imagine?

And what do you think how hilarious we found it and how we burst out laughing as soon as we discovered it! We fell over with laughter – both of us – and we truly went overboard and never seemed to be able to calm down… it was truly mad – really!

And now I am sure you will understand why I came here today!
Actually, I absolutely need to tell my mum about it! Even if it means she will start fretting before I start because she wants her pasta soup!

But she absolutely has to know that there has never been a stranger in my bathroom – never ever! It was always only me – and even me alongside me …

So, here we go and good luck to you all – but now I need to go and see her! She needs me!“

KH
(Translated by EG)

PS:
The author will relate this story (in Viennese dialect) during this year’s Halloween event of the “Authors Group TwentyTen” in the Hanau Olof Palme Haus.

Klaus Hnilica
Thursday February 25th, 2016

The Dvorak Requiem

ZZZimagesShe was happy.

And so was he.
Mz Dvorak was going with him – and he with her – to Margot’s birthday party.
Only two days ago, he had been to listen to ’her’ Requiem with Mz Dvorak.
In his book that was hilarious.
In her book, it wasn’t.
The Dvorak Requiem had been an indescribable experience! With a powerful choir and music that shattered you like the apocalypse.


But they had not yet reached that stage.
Margot had turned seventy and wanted to celebrate. Her husband was long dead, and the old friends became few and far between.
With the Golf-Hotel, she had chosen an exquisite address. Tasty food was guaranteed. Anything else would have been a disappointment. Mz Dvorak was looking forward to it. There was nothing she loved more than eating. Of course, this had consequences! A life-long uphill struggle! Hopeless!

They had agreed on Tuesday, forty-five minutes past five in the afternoon. 
The party was to begin at six.

Two hours before that, he called Mz Dvorak.

Nothing.

Probably still on her way. Or maybe taking a shower.
He waited nowhere near long enough before he tried calling her again.
Nothing!


Why wasn’t she calling back? She always did that, didn’t she?

He tried to reach her several more times on her cell phone.

He was going to say: stupid bitch. But he could not call her that, because he could not reach her. 
Eventually, he gave up.
He was jumpy and disappointed, and went by himself …


But then, perhaps she had suddenly been called about her daughter who had cancer. Or perhaps her very ancient father finally wanted to die.

Or maybe she had to drown all this misery in alcohol and had gone to sleep next to her glass of red wine.

In that case, he definitely would not have wished to disturb her.

When he was the first person to arrive at the party – his bad conscience kicked in.
Perhaps he should have waited for Mz Dvorak a little longer, after all? She would certainly have arrived.
Margot was surprised when she saw him alone.

Neither had he brought his wife. But then that was not really a surprise for Margot, was it?
Well, he was sure Mz. Dvorak was going to arrive a little later. Otherwise she would certainly have called it off. After all, her middle name was diligence. 


Nobody had any doubt about that.
Even when – in between the delicious courses of the meal – everything went topsy-turvy and the guests had to do all sorts of kinaesthetic with the animator.

That was something Mz. Dvorak would definitely not have liked.
Maybe she had suspected something like this? 
Well, that might have been it. She hated kinaesthetic like nothing else 
Why did you have to have flexible joints in old age?

Strange: her chair remained empty. Even though the empty seat at the table was quite a nuisance 
They had not yet taken away her place setting, either.

What a strange joke of hers.

To simply not turn up.

Without a single word.

No explanation. But then, with all her reliability, she also had it in her to be stubborn. Everybody who knew Mz. Dvorak knew that about her.

This was a truly perfect party!
Everything was well organized.

Margot was at her best, and so was her charming daughter.
They were both professionals. They knew how to create a party mood.
He was probably the only person who got a little bit of a sour taste in his mouth when, as they finally played the “oldies but goldies” and the performers were actually the same persons as those who had sung the Dvorak Requiem.

Mz.Dvorak would probably have laughed about this involuntary comical number.


Well, she was good at laughing. She definitely was!
And then the evening was over.
And Mz. Dvorak had not turned up at all.

What a pity!
He went home all by himself and smoked a cigarillo.
He also indulged in a glass of red wine.

At long last: she called:
A little late, aren’t you, my dear Mz. Dvorak!
But it wasn’t her at all.

She was already dead.

Her son had found her while they were eating the second course at the party.

He had climbed into the house via the balcony, because the central key had been in the lock from the inside.

Mz. Dvorak had been sitting on the steps.
One shoe was already at her feet.


Then she had leaned against the wall and remained sitting in this position.
For an entire night – and a day.
Heart failure. Dead within seconds.
Her old dog had kept vigilance.
He was deaf.

He would not have been able to hear ’Her Requiem’…

KH
(Translated by EG)

Detlev Six
Saturday January 2nd, 2016

(Deutsch) Neues von Gott und dem großen Bumser.

Sorry, this entry is only available in German.

In my last article, I tried to voice my pessimism about Best Practice, methods, processes, standards, certificates, etc.

bild02791Now I am thinking of it while sitting in the InterCityExpress Train, being hungry and yet avoiding the Spaghetti Bolognese offered at the “Bordbistro”. Mind you, I basically like Spaghetti Bolognese, but not as “convenient food”. This same meal is probably advertised and served in all German ICE trains today. What is worse, I remember well how delicious the meal I took in a Romanian dining car a few years ago tasted.

Now I wonder who I should thank for all this. I am sure the industry is partly to blame. But the consumers with their “stinginess is super” attitude will certainly also be partly responsible. However, I also find it annoying that there are “free” clubs that actually promote this nonsense. It would be better if there were clubs protesting against it. And I am sure there are more serious problems in the world against which to get active.

Clubs have different goals and purposes. Especially in Germany, the number of clubs is horrendous.

There are some “good” NGOs that, in my estimation, prevail like a bastion through the ages. On a world-wide scale, I consider AI (Amnesty International) one of them. Others started well, but then, as time went by, they developed more and more into systems. Regardless, they still make a positive contribution in my opinion, even though there are often quite a few things that smell. I mean the likes of the Red Cross, Green Peace and similar organizations.

There are also some clubs that have been founded for a specific improvement, for instance Greencity or the Urbanauten. Others want to be quite differentiating when it comes to their social enthusiasm. In Germany, sports clubs have a huge tradition. Consequently, the number is endless: from alpine sports to gymnastics and shooting. These clubs were founded because of the common desire to do something new together.

Since all clubs are social systems, they also underlie the normal rules of development. They might well come to have the system maintenance as their only goal (self-goal) or become commercial enterprises (ADAC, enterprises of the entertainment industry “sports”). Regardless, I consider these clubs basically ok. And a sports club for everybody is definitely more to my liking than a fitness studio.

But there are also clubs the foundation of which was nothing other than the wish to gain advantages for its members from the outset. They were founded to break good laws and socialize losses. Their rules are determined according to the wishes of their customers.

I do not like them. I am talking lobbyists. They put enormous pressure on politicians and members of parliament in order to gain advantages for enterprises or sectors. As a general rule, these enterprises only want more profit for their customers, without taking the common good into consideration at all.

Lobbyism is one of the great challenges of democracy. As I see it, democracy can only work if we abolish lobbyism!

RMD
(Translated by EG)

P.S.
The industry of the cat-gold-salespersons and happiness-whisperers (aka marketing) with their motto “buy yourself happiness” are another threat to social market economy. Besides lobbyism, this is the second weapon of late capitalism for suppressing humans. Especially the marketing of today with its filigree methods and techniques is a hindrance to the development of an autonomous life lived in self-responsibility (called freedom) even in its early stage. I will soon write more about this.

Klaus Hnilica
Thursday October 8th, 2015

We can do it! Or: Blessed Be Those Who Have No Idea

Carl and Gerlinde (XLV)

There were days when Carl, even during the phase of waking up when Gerlinde’s elven-like blabbering actually made his basilar membranes vibrate but his eye-lids had not yet moved upward, knew that something unpleasant was going to happen…+

ZZZZSimg211Accordingly, the facial expression he offered Gerlinde and which was mirrored one-on-one in her face – if, these days, it was possible at all to see anything of her face in between those extremely obtrusive illustrations in the ’Frankfurter Allgemeine’ – while he was eating his breakfast egg, naturally, looked a little strained.

Carl noticed how reliable his gut feeling had been when, at long last, his secretary Bettina offered him his usual cup of coffee in the office. Because her meaningfully pursed lips, wide-open eyes and several attempts at moving the cup of coffee closer towards him were certainly no good omens.

When she proceeded by telling him that Dr. Osterkorn had asked everybody to a meeting at ten thirty in the big conference room – no documents to prepare – it was absolutely clear that his sinister foreboding would, again, prove correct …

The only surprise was that, on top of Bernie alias Dr. Osterkorn and a number of new and unknown faces, not only the other three sector heads, but also both TRIGA managing directors were present.

Apparently, Dr. Schäufele, the head of trading, was in charge of the meeting, since he had placed himself with a rather crumpled face and among constant whispering with his colleague Dr. Tuchweber at the head of the huge conference table.

In accordance with the sober atmosphere, Carl unobtrusively sat down next to Miriam Braun on the only vacant seat.

Dr. Schäufele was immediately in the middle of things! After greetings by the concern heads from Düsseldorf he read in a rather pronounced way, reminding everybody of the gigantic national task that, due to the dramatic change in the German political situation, we were now facing without once looking up from his text. He also said that the concern heads were going to approach this task with a huge amount of respect and responsibility.

It went without saying that, in the face of this unparalleled challenge, the TRIGA company, too, would – this was the first time Dr. Schäufele actually looked up from his manuscript – contribute to the best of its ability!

This was especially important, Dr. Schäufele continued, since our Federal Chancellor had given a clear signal with her “We Can Do This”! In her inimitable way, without getting lost in details, she not only invited every state in Germany, every community and every town, but also every individual citizen to cordially welcome all the refugees from Syria. Everybody is called upon to make him- or herself part of this European task and go right to their limits and beyond when it comes to human and financial resources. And since the processing of asylum seekers will be a lot faster in the future, all this can be done without a considerable increase in federal funding, says the Federal Chancellor!

It is hardly a surprise, said a tight-lipped Dr. Schäufele, that, due to this exemplary attitude of our Federal Chancellor, huge parts of the press celebrate her and even some mention her in connection with the Nobel Peace Prize!

Instigated by these jolting words from the Federal Chancellor, the concern heads now appeal to all concern firms to also contribute to this great national program and think about including young, trained and untrained refugees of war in their projects! Particulars about how this has to be done, so Dr. Schäufele, will be worked out by a specially installed working group at the appropriate time for the entire concern. And then forwarded to all the individual sectors and departments; it went without saying that, naturally, all unplanned personnel will have to be integrated into the existing work processes within three years in order to make sure that both the current and medium-term sales and profit goals will not suffer and that there is not the slightest interference with the concern numbers as determined; because nobody – ladies and gentlemen – Dr. Schäufele admonished everybody with a baleful expression, which was accompanied with an intense nodding of the Technology Manager Dr. Tuchweber,  can and wishes to risk a profit warning of the concern, even in these difficult weeks and months! Nobody can wish that! Absolutely nobody!

And as a prophylaxis, Dr. Tuchweber interrupted his colleague from trading Dr. Schäufele, he expects the entire leading crew of the TRIGA firm to influence their employees in such a highly motivating form that every one of them realizes how serious the situation is and thus not only works at a hundred per cent of his or her capacity but at those implicitly demanded a hundred and twenty per cent of said capacity! Because this was the only way, Dr. Tuchweber admonished the assembled listeners with a stern look, for Germany to master this gigantic task of channelling the streams of refugees in an organized way.

In the face of the high spirits unfurling all over the meeting room after this intense appeal of the management, Carl did not dare to ask the question if the concern heads themselves, too, were thinking about a contribution of their own by providing extra hitherto unplanned money for this so great national task. Instead, he just whispered the question into the ears of the person responsible for underwear sales, his neighbour Miriam Braun.

But even as Miriam Braun shrugged her shoulders several times with a helpless smile, Carl already became quite convinced that both the concern heads and the managing directors, just like the members of the Federal Government, were not to be envied for their quite well-filled money bags. Instead, the one thing they were to be envied for was the fact that they were all ’blessed with having no idea whatsoever’. This cluelessness has been created and guaranteed by a hierarchical order and command structure that removed everything not meant to be heard or seen ’in the upper regions’ through a precise and well-oiled filtering system!

Yes, even the production of such a banal thing as underwear followed this pattern.

Since, however, Carl had no intention of being subjected to this blessing, in fact he even started suffering from an unexpected case of sickness that might well threaten to befall the other persons in the room and even in the country, he spontaneously jumped up, shook his head and left the room, to the surprise of the other participants of the meeting …

KH

§ § § § § § § § § § § …. … …

As I see it, ever more doubtful bills are passed quicker and quicker and with less and less diligence. This is true on the Bavarian, German, and European level.

Let me illustrate it using some harmless examples – harmless because probably nobody has ever been truly or severely punished or suffered from any of those bills. And they probably never caused any serious misery.

Among other things, I am talking the Culturally Valuable Goods Law, which they want to reform and make stricter, the Tele-Media-Law with its Disrupter Accountability (which is about accountability when using WLAN) and, last not least, the very controversial Tariff-Unity-Law.

The first of these three bills has been passed on August, 10th, 1955. It was supposed to prevent the total sell-out of German sacrosanct objects of historical and artistic value. It was probably a reaction to measures taken by countries such as Egypt who wanted to make it harder for foreign countries to steel their historic objects of art.

Now they want to modernize it – and even in this phase, they started a debate that, basically, makes clear what nonsense the bill is. For me, the question comes to mind: why do we not take a closer look at these laws before modernizing them? And why do we not ask ourselves what benefit and what damage these laws caused? Basically, we all know that all laws that have no use are detrimental by their very existence. And why are we not courageous enough to just abolish a law that has no use, anyway?

But no: instead of sweeping through, they come up with new useless laws all the time. Because they feel it would be a little too courageous to just abolish laws. But why?

In the same way, the issue of “disrupter accountability” as part of the Tele-Media-Law only causes misery. On my travels, I am often fascinated to see how unproblematic access to the internet is in many countries. But woe to the person who enters Germany …

To me, it also seems that disrupter accountability is one of those topics that particularly appeals to the outcry for security and the distrust culture of our civilized world, but also to the German mentality (German “angst”?). Who of us would want strangers to be given a right to trespass through our property?

The Tariff Unity Law is another example. Another nonstarter. Let me cite from Wikipedia:
Starting with July, 10th, 2015, we have the Tariff Unity Law in Germany. It says that, if labour agreements collide in one enterprise, only the tariff agreement of the union which had most members when the last agreement was signed can be applied. The law was subjected to strong criticism both from unions and the opposition and has been made the object of several constitutional complaints.

There was no chance to see if this law is doing any good. Because, sadly, it will probably never be installed. After all, even the first case it was used on turned out a failure. I am talking the argument between the GDL (Gewerkschaft der Lokomotivführer) and the Bahn AG. Well, basically this tariff argument was why the law had been instituted.

So what happened? The only reason why the opposing parties could agree during the mediation talks (incidentally, the mediator was a county governor from “the Leftist Party”) was that they both agreed that the law was never going to be put into practice. This is how the road was paved for the agreement.

For me, this sounds a lot like:
I write a program for a customer. And the first thing he does is agree to never use it. Well, would that not be a reason to start having doubts about the performance of my program …

Incidentally, there are other bills that have never been applied in practice. One of them is the Employee Involvement Law. In the spring of 2010, the Great Coalition decided to make it very attractive tax-wise if employees get more encouragement to invest in the enterprise. It is a rather complex law – and as far as I know, it has never been applied.
Both this and the aforementioned topics are hardly ever mentioned these days. The same is true for the Road Charge Law – the discussion of which was not that long ago either.

In fact, I believe that legislation is one of the areas where the simple wisdom “less is more” should be applied. But what we do is the opposite. Both the European and the national clouds let one law after the other rain on us. And quite a few announcements will give us pause like thunder and lightning. For instance, Frau Nahles wants a new regulation for “Fake Self-Employment”. She declared that the goal is to make sure everyone in our society actually pays into the social security insurance.

Well, I am absolutely sure that nothing good can come of this. I already look forward to seeing the results.

RMD
(Translated by EG)