Klaus Hnilica
Thursday March 8th, 2012

Carl for President

Carl and Gerlinde (XX)

At three in the morning, when Carl woke soaking wet from his own perspiration, he just knew he was the right person for the job! Especially since, just a few seconds before he had opened his eyes, the Federal Chancellor herself had nodded at him and displayed slightly raised corners of her mouth – which, to him, looked like an extra token of appreciation – . …

Well – it was not really a miracle, was it? After all, he, Carl S., was not only a presentable man of years, but also an extremely honourable citizen of this beautiful nation. And the Federal Chancellor seemed to be especially appreciative of one fact: the mortgage on his house had been paid off years ago, he was totally debt-free and professionally, he was really well grounded, fit for real life!

To be sure, he was no pastor! Neither had he ever been Prime Minister or Federal Judge! To make up for it, as opposed to these other gentlemen, he knew full well where the money came from, especially the tax money. And he also knew how to spend it economically. That was certainly not a bad portfolio for holding the office of Federal President, was it?

In the past, his eminent professional status had often been confirmed by all kinds of persons: after all,  being in charge of the sales department for high-quality men’s and ladies‘ underwear at ’Triga’ was definitely not something to be ignored! Not to forget how much he earned!

He was sure the Federal Chancellor would be happy with the fact that, given his income, he would not really be depending on this ’life-long honour gratuity’. In fact, he would not need it. On the other hand, if they offered him those 199,000 Euros each year, who was he to say no?

Looking at this particular sentence, ’for life’ was definitely not something to be ashamed of. Neither were the office for himself and the service persons and office car! It goes without saying that, like his predecessors, he would spend quite a bit of this ’honour gratuity’ on donations and the promotion of worthy causes. After all, as Federal President, you have no time to spend all that money, anyway: in winter, he would stay in sunny Africa or Australia and in summer in one of those glamorous Starnberger See mansions. With friends, because, as we all know, a Federal Persident has plenty of them. More than now with just Hannelore and Kurt!

And then there were all those discreet donations and promotions – the people liked it, didn’t they? In particular if, for instance, they were also good for strengthening the role of women in in society. They always had a hard time getting on equal terms with the men, anyway! Just think of women playing soccer and you have to laugh out loud. And what about women boxing or ski-jumping….

Yes, that was exactly where he would lavishly give generous donations to the tune of one or two thousand Euros each year! He certainly felt deeply for this matter and he was sure the entire nation would very much appreciate it!

Incidentally, his family situation, too, was a perfect fit for this political office. He was divorced, if only once, but that was certainly better than not at all and he had two children with Inge: René and Kora. He had never been interested in them! Well, you can certainly see how well-suited he was, even if, of course, you did not have to make much ado about it: after all, a Federal President had to be clever, he thought to himself. At long last, he switched on the bed lamp and – even if there was nobody whose sleep he could have disturbed – tiptoed into the bathroom  …

And with respect to this constantly talked about ’unlawful acceptance of benefit by a public official’ – he was sure there was no reason for him to worry. Talking thus to himself.Carl, as if to emphasize it, energetically pressed the “economy“ lavatory water lever …

Because for him, in free business, this was absolutely not an issue! But still it might be advisble to wash one’s hands in innocence! And considering how the nationwide discussion currently ran, it was actually clear that he had to think about the occasional incident that happened in his professonial life. If he was honest, he had to admit that he definitely had taken a few staples home from the office, he said while he sniffed at his fingers and walked back to his bedroom. The same was true for those strange clear plastic binders – or what were they called? – and two Indian rubbers a year ago – and that pencil sharpener for the broader version of pencil.  It had not been altogether upright, Carl had to admit. Nor had the Leitz folder two months ago and all those unauthorized photocopies paid by the firm been altogether upright! Not to mention all the private telephone calls and internet surfing! Oh my God – all the places he had visited online! That would certainly have been embarrassing for a Federal President if found out, he said as he looked at Gerlinde’s empty half of the bed, before quickly seeking refuge under the warm bedcover.

In fact – perhaps, considering everything in the light of the energy-saving-lamp, it was really about time to wipe the slate clean!

As in “tabula rasa“!

But then – weren’t the delicious pieces of cake Frau Wolf surprised him with in the office also something he had to count among his dept? After all, there was hardly a single day when he did not lavishly indulge in one of them without the slightest trace of shame? It all was a true delight for Frau Wolf, but, of course, truly a discredit in the eyes of some strict TV commentators. These ladies saw – or rather smelled – fraud in such behaviour, except if he had discreetly dropped three Euros into the empty plate for the income-dependent secretary in order not to make it look like bribery. Yes, if the journalist Frau Schauster had dug deeper in his case, he would have looked rather stupid in no time at all. …

But vacations in vacated mansions that belonged to friends are something she could definitely never have dug out for him and Gerlinde. No matter how deep she dug! But hey, wait a minute – was that correct? Had not he and Gerlinde, four years ago – it had been really exciting – spend three days in the Hannelore and Kurt’s flat, because those two had unexpectedly been called away and the paperhanger had been in the flat? And, following Frau Schauster, they probably would have had to give their friends a hundred and fifty Euros per person and then, in order to behave honourably in the Schauster sense, deduce from that money whatever he and Gerlinde had done in the field of housecleaning and spent on miscalleneous things, such as adhesive tape, etc. at the usual prices. Not to mention the tax declaration for the possible monetary advantage? Yes, in the light of the 25 watt bedlamp, this looked like a truly dark spot in his otherwise really clean slate. Carl had to admit it to himself and would actually have liked to drink a glass of cheering-up schnapps right there in his bed.

But then he calmed down without the schnapps. After all, journalists did not find out everything – and as far as this instance was concerned, Hannelore and Kurt were absolutely to be trusted; besides, neither of them was friends with Peter Hintze. He was sure that having received help from that man would not have been a good idea!

And as to Gerlinde – there was no way she was going to endanger him in this respect! That is, there would have been no danger if she were to be found… But, hey, all of a sudden he was standing up straight in his bed, near the middle of the sleeping space: was there not a totally different problem he had to solve? And that problem certainly weighed a lot heavier that this negligible tax issue? It so happened – and no talking or ostrich algorithm was going to help against that – that he did not have a ’First Lady’! Because his future ’First Lady’ had decided to make herself scarce without a single word twelve weeks ago now!  Which meant that he, Carl, was actually the first would-be Federal President – who had no ’First Lady’ to accompany him? Now how to make that plausible to the Federal Chancellor – and to  Rössler and Seehofer…

In the light of this fundamental problem, all his other competence was basically marginal? That did not only go for his economic competence, but also for his horrendous international experience. After all, he had sold ladies‘ underwear all over Europe for many years, hadn’t he? And for a Federal President, international experience was paramount, wasn’t it?

But then there were also a few silver linings if you looked close enough! Because he had, for example, never been in Greece! Somehow or other, the Greek did not appreciate the ’Triga Underwear’ – probably because they used to wear those white capes in ancient times. Well, so it could not be disputed that he did not know Greece, which meant that he was totally neutral when it came to the rescue umbrella. This was definitely an area where nobody could find fault with him. And the Federal Chancellor was sure to appreciate it, too, because she definitely could not afford yet another misstep in whom she appointed. Perhaps that was why she had lifted the corners of her mouth in such an encouraging way …

And he had to admit – when his iphone rang in the morning to wake him up and neither the Federal Chancellor nor Gerlinde were at the other end, he was a little disappointed after all the things he had experienced during the night. Under these conditions, he was no lnoger in any mood to play Federal President for anybody. Definitely not!

(Translated by EG)

And two weeks from now, on March, 21st, 2012, we will finally have news about Gerlinde. So stick with us.

1 Kommentar zu “Carl for President”

  1. ebook leser (Thursday March 8th, 2012)

    Jetzt geht der Wulff wie es viele gefordert haben. Dem Großen Zapfenstreich wollen auch viele fernbleiben, auch die Altbundespräsidenten. Das finde ich schäbig. Jemanden, der auf dem Boden liegt, den tritt man nicht. Auch, dass sich viele über den Ehrensold mokieren finde ich auch nicht richtig. Wenn ich mir vorstelle, dass den der Scheel seit Jahren bekommt, der hat den auch nicht verdient. Einfach nur schäbig.

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