Klaus Hnilica
Thursday October 29th, 2015

Halloween in Vienna or the Vampire Hardware Problem …

A conversation with those beyond …
Wienaktuellfoto Of course, Gottlieb Bissinger is touring Vienna on Halloween Night, too! However, at three in the morning, he is rather confused when arriving at a totally dilapidated suburb railway station. Strange figures are about. He is not even sure yet if he will be able to catch a train to St. Pölten at this time of night. So far, he was neither able to see the platforms, nor any of the ticket sales booths. As usual when he knows no advice, he dials Mother’s number – and the connection to beyond actually works:

• Hello, Mum! It is me, Gottlieb! I am glad to catch you so late. But then, they do not sleep where you are, do they?

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• Well – you know what it is like with my sleeping habits? Three in the morning is the time when I usually call it a day! It always annoys Elfi if I want to nibble at her until three in the morning. …
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• Elfi? Who is Elfi? It is my new St. Pölten Girl!
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• No – Mama, Elfi is not one of our kind.
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• Elfi’s parents are true “No Vamp People”, totally boring salad eaters with no spirit to do anything hilarious – and sitting in front of the TV set every night, too. And, of course, at midnight, they lie in their beds, instead of, like our kind, still roaming around looking for a snack of blood …
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• Exactly, Mum – instead of a few nice drops of blood, her old man constantly drinks beer when sitting in front of the TV set – ’Schwechater’!
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• No, Mum, there is certainly no reason for you in the beyond to worry about me. These are very decent people! Just like you know them – the ’No Vamp People’: friendly, clean, without fantasy – and terribly industrious. Actually, they are really busy from dawn to dusk…
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• What? Well – you can say that again, Mum! Since those ’No Vamps’ sleep all night through, they certainly do not know what to do with all their energy in the daytime. So they ’busy themselves’ like crazy! Not like our kind, who are a little slow in the daytime. Especially after, again, you chose such a ’bloody moron’ with a poor cholesterol level.

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• Mum! This LDL cholesterol is really bad news! You would not believe how your head will just explode on the day after such an ’LDL bomb’. It really makes you want to screw off your head, put it in the next corner and leave! Really! These young over-eaten ’girlies ’ have no idea what they are inflicting on us vampires with their stupid ’fast food’ and the resulting crazy cholesterol levels…
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• Yes – you are absolutely correct, Mum! Basically, what they are doing at McDonalds with all this fast food on a daily basis is a threat to vampire health! You really should talk to the authorities about sending control brigades!
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• But Mum, that is ridiculous! I am sure you can still remember what happens with this kind of attempt at uproar in Austria? It will instantly be controlled by those ’up ahead’. Who in Vienna is ever interested in a bunch of blood suckers? If we wished those ’up ahead’ to wake up, we would probably have to sail the Neusiedler See on a rusty skiff and throw ourselves overboard. …
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• Sorry, Mama – you are right, that was truly over the top! I admit it and state the opposite! But you see, I am currently terrible tensed up…
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• Why tensed up? Well – as a vampire of today, you have all sorts of problems far worse than those stupid cholesterol levels! What do you think, Mum, how inconvenient, for instance, are all those shitty cable hanging from young person’s ears practically day and night, just because they have to spend all the time gallivanting on some App with their smartphones or damaging their brains with pop music …
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• No! Mum, you cannot know about those cables at all! A few years ago, they were not even invented …
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• You are asking why those cables are bad news, Mum? Well, it is clear, isn’t it? You basically can no longer bite into any neck without getting a cable between your teeth!
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• Exactly, Mum – with our long fangs, we get stuck all the time! And then, if those nervous creatures keep moving all the time while you bite them, then those cables will wind themselves around our canines like a lasso and you are practically imprisoned! Can you imagine how stupid that is?
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• No – Mum, but if you run, you will almost always pull the earphones from the ears of the ’girlie’ you have been biting, and the smartphone from her hand …
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• Mum, now you are being ’topnotch ’. You cannot imagine how loud those young ’materials’ yell. It sounds like they are being butchered! Even after you have sucked an entire litre of blood from them! Mum, they simply never get exhausted! They are filled with ’Red Bull’ to the brim!
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• No – the girlies do not mind so much being bitten! Except if you spoil their t-shirt! But the true catastrophe is when they are no longer online. That is when your problems begin!
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• Exactly – but if, whenever you bite, you get more cable than blood into your mouth, it is hardly a surprise if something like this happens, is it?
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• Mum! You in the beyond really have no idea what happens down here! Unless I watch like a hawk, these bold cunts will start filming me as soon as I so much as touch their skin. And then I will find myself on YOUTUBE before even having finished the meal and wiped my mouth! It is really weird, Mum …
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• Yes! And I am sure you can easily imagine how Elfie gets ballistic on seeing me on YOUTUBE sucking someone else’s blood! In almost all cases, she gets the heart piercer and then I am dead for the remainder of the week …
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• No – it is definitely not nice, Mum, really not nice…
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• But please do not again go on about how I should have stayed at home in Natternbach and restricted myself to exclusively feed on Annerose …
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• Mum! – I told you a hundred times that a farm girl is not the right thing for me! I definitely would not wish to bite into a sweaty neck smelling of cow dung all the time – Mum, this is not what I want. In fact, it repels me. …
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• But Mum, what do you think how – compared to this – superhuman all those foreigners dancing around the Vienna Kärntnerstrasse at night in droves smell!
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• Yes – well, the aroma is of all nations you can imagine. …
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• And when one of those Japanese or Chinese girls is standing in front of the newly whitewashed St. Stephen’s Cathedral looking up, taking a picture and offering her white neck, then this is true paradise! If you manage to snap away at that moment!
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• Mum – what do you mean not to commit a sin? It is true paradise!
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• Well, you are right about that, Mum – naturally, Elfi is also paradise – but in a totally different way!
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• Why? Well, of late, Elfi seems to be creeping around like a heavenly ghost!
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• Well, you know my healthy blood appetite, don’t you? Just like Papa, but not everybody is up to it for a really long time – in fact, my next to last one, Herta, had the same problem!
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• Yes, truly a pity! Elfi is really a nice girl. Bloodless but nice!!
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• Well, Mum, it is quite possible that you will meet her today. After all, I have a terrible ’blood lust’ right now – and who can say if she survives it!
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• Well, now I really have to go! In this strange waiting room, some people already start giving me strange sideways glances! I am afraid if I keep talking, they will want my blood! But be not afraid. I am certainly fine! Bye, Mum – and treat Elfi nicely, she really deserves it. Bye!

KH
(Translated EG)

PS:
I took the picture from Google

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