Udo Liekysz, second to only one in the ’Republic of Transistia” was convinced that he and he alone was designated by the people and leaders of the republic to become the predecessor of the ’Great Leader Jordan Khon’. But then, upon the latter’s death, to the total surprise of everyone, Sandor, the totally inexperienced twenty-year-old son of the ’Great Leader’ was given the throne. In a rather mortifying way, Liekysz was incarcerated and eliminated during a plenary party meeting! It is not documented which audience were the listeners of the following – probably last – speech by Udo Liekysz!
”You all saw me wearing it! This mythical garment! And we all remember well that even the nursery songs we learned in the ’Jordan Khon Schools’ were exclusively about this inimitable garment. And by God – how urgently did all of us – and be it only for a few pitiful seconds – long to drape around us this ’supra-terrestrial shell’! Aren’t we all dreaming of it even today?
Of course, no grown-up person would dare to articulate this grotesque desire: because we know that he and he alone – the one whose name cannot be said – is granted the privilege to sleep in a pair of newly made, incredibly soft blue satin pyjamas adorned with a thousand stars and planets’: he alone deserves this highest of all honours until the end of time – nobody else in the entire solar system!
So perhaps now you can imagine my unimaginable horror when, last Thursday as the morning dawned, I sat up on my iron bed, energetically threw off the non-existent bedcover, laboriously moved my legs over the edge of the bed and suddenly realized that exactly this ’extra-terrestrial leader’s satin pyjamas’ had suddenly disappeared? Mind you, I had been dreaming of it all night!
What had happened? Who could have done this to me? Was it possible that someone was planning a revolt?
But matters grew worse, instead of better!
Because I – Udo Liekysz – the one and only ’true president of the Republic of Tranistia’ was not only devoid of the holy ’blue satin pyjamas of the thousand stars and planets’ , but was instead clad in a rough linen tunic which was totally open at the back.
Can you imagine such a thing?
Not to mention the cold iron bedframe which pressed into my upper legs, thus blocking the blood circulation in the indecently uncovered ’presidential buttocks’. What was even more abominable was the gleaming yellow urine stain at the bottom end of the tunic! On the ’blue satin pyjamas’, it had not been visible at night with this clarity!
One thing you can believe me: my dangling white legs, covered all over in hunger oedema, would also never have swung in this un-statesman-like manner had they still been covered by the blue satin trousers. This is indisputable!
Besides, it was also rather inconvenient to feel this mouldy cold on my uncovered back: in fact, I, Udo Liekysz – the ’true president of the Republic of Transistia’ was actually shivering a little from the cold! You could clearly see that people were being thrifty; which speaks of a failure by the responsible office! Even a president needed a little warmth! This was something that definitely had to be put right immediately! As soon as I will again be able to move on my shrivelled legs, I am going to initiate the necessary measures… After all, this was not something I was going to do for the first time in my life, was it?
Recently, I had been in a rather similar situation! And what do you think how fast the responsible office reacted? Even I was surprised at the time: on a rather frosty Monday morning, when I stood plainly visible and had just taken position on the ’Square of the Republic’, announced myself as the new ’president of the Republic of Transistria’ who really serves the people and introduced my ’new program’, a group of a hundred of my enthusiastic compatriots wearing festive uniforms hurried towards me quacking joyously, encircled me and lifted me from the ground enthusiastically – before taking me with them almost rudely! But then, this was hardly a surprise, considering their spontaneous enthusiasm, was it? On the contrary: I permitted the jubilant masses to do as they wished without any restrictions… After all, for these common people, every filament of my simple clothes was a precious relic! Who would have failed to understand?
That is also why I did not feel I had to object when, after even a short time, I stood there wearing nothing but my shirt and boxers and started to really suffer from the cold: after all, I saw from the joyous excitement on the people’s faces all around me how good my previous actions had been! It had been high time to announce ’innovation’ if the country was to be saved from total disaster!
And you would not believe what a terribly desolate state even the presidential palace was in! You cannot imagine! The pomposity of the rooms inhabited by the ’president of the Republic of Transistia’ which had often been secretly criticised were, in reality, only one pitiful chamber with a bed, a table, a chair and two buckets: in one of them, you could do your ablutions, the other was for your excrements. Since both of them smelled, it was not at all easy to decide which one to use!
But so what? Considering the poverty in the entire country, it was only right that the ’president of the republic’, too, practiced modesty! To be sure, I was initially surprised to see how sparsely furnished the room was when, in the over-enthusiastic mood they were in and with a little bit of roguishness, the people dumped me on the iron bed even before we had properly entered the room. Maybe I had even taken a little blow on the head against the wall and been unconscious for a short while, because when I awoke, all my fellow countrymen were gone and I was all by myself. …
Which was basically okay, because they all had to look after their families. After all, life was hard enough outside the presidential palace. I was far better off! I was taken care of! Even if in a very basic way! It is certainly true that a gigantic task was awaiting me in this ’New Republic of Transistia’!
Just to give you an example of how poorly trained even the servants at the presidential palace were: when, after several days, there was still nobody taking care of my needs – apparently they had drastically reduced the number of servants in order to get the country back on track – I started getting hungry and cold again. Through knocking and yelling, I was able to make myself heard at least for a servant to take my orders! But here is what happened: the man was not only slovenly dressed and in a foul mood, he also slapped me in the face on both sides – instead of giving an appropriate answer! And when, in my astonishment, I felt my face and asked what this behaviour meant, he added insult to injury by kicking me right in my bottom – which made me fly back onto my bed in a high arc.
Well, I am sure you agree that, in this case, you cannot call the servants adequately trained, don’t you? Of course I will gladly admit that this pointed ’quick massage’ for the head and bottom worked wonders for my blood circulation and I actually was more perspiring than suffering from the cold. You definitely had to grant that the man achieved this!
But there is certainly a lot left to be done in the ’New Republic’ and consequently, I have no time at all to relate even more. Instead, I must immediately call my circle of ministers! Basically, the emptying of the two buckets in the presidential suite can no longer be postponed under any circumstances! Perhaps you can even sense this acrid smell?
And having to close your nose with the aid of clothes-peg cannot be a lasting solution! Let us finally get under way! I, the ’True President of the Republic of Transistia’ hereby give you permission!“
KH
PS:
The idea is from Detlef Knoll
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