Klaus Hnilica
Thursday September 26th, 2013

Men in Distress – or: The Eroticism to be Found in Housework

Carl and Gerlinde (XXXIV)
”You have been at the hairdresser’s, haven’t you?”, Gerlinde said with surprise as she lifted her glass of Pinot Noir and saluted Carl wholeheartedly; an inexplicable spell of extreme appetite forced her to add another slice of pumpernickel with delicious Italian Mortadella to her meal even before she had completely swallowed the first bite…

ZFimg089”Well- so – did – you – two – days – ago…”, Carl just managed to squeeze out of his vocal ducts before he felt like he was going to die from a nasty bout of coughing: he was actually choking on something!

But at least he managed to regain enough control to prevent the Hungarian Salami that swam on top of the Riesling in his mouth from being spread all over the freshly laid table.

And yet: while removing the worst consequences of the ’Meat-Wine-Chaos’ with Gerlinde’s help, he still kept gasping for air and continually coughing in a soft staccato voice; his reddened eyes were spilling over with tears. …

”In fact, I am surprised that you noticed about me having been at the hairdresser’s at all”, Gerlinde sneered with an air of sympathy when Carl could again be spoken to; after all this excitement, she emptied her half-full glass in one go.

”Naturally – this is the kind of thing I will always notice…”, Carl croaked with a husky voice.

”In that case, wouldn’t it be nice if you made some kind of comment once in a while?“

”Why would I do that – after all, you know you always look beautiful to me …“!

”Hm – if you had taken a short look at the new ’Image of the Lady’ during your stay at the hairdresser’s, you would now know how important small positive comments are in a partnership, my dear Carl!“

”This might well be so”, Carl said while yet once again trying to clear his throat by coughing, “but to make up for it, I know the problems Jogi Löw has with Mats Hummels and also that Schweini has not reached a proper understanding with Guardiola …“

”Apropos, Schweini – did you also read the “swiney” filth in the “Star”? Gerlinde interrupted him.

”No – but I am sure you are instantly going to tell me all about it – you ladies are always interested in this kind of thing”, Carl sneered at her, before at long last again taking a cautious sip from his Riesling after having overcome his almost-death by asphyxiation.

”Well – I am really do not know how to say it, but according to “Star”, the most adventurous accidents seem to happen in London after the eroticism trilogy ’Fifty Shades of Grey’ …“

”I have no idea, Gerlinde – all I know is that Poldi suffered an injury at Arsenal London“,  Carl smugly replied – now again in possession of his full voice, and then he re-filled Gerlinde’s empty glass with that silky Pinot Noir which already showed some effect on Gerlinde’s eyes, because she giggled and said: ”I believe the accidents in London have nothing to do with arsenal or anal. Believe me, the fire fighters have totally different problems to solve, and I mean really embarrassing problems. …“

”What do you mean – embarrassing?“

”All those unleashed chained people in the nude apparently not only do not know how to retrieve the keys to their handcuffs after having chained themselves in the nude, but they also have to be liberated from all kinds of household devices they got entangled with in the most embarrassing way …“

”Household devices?”

”Yes – toasters, vacuum cleaners and similar practical appliances – and, of course, again it is the males who have to be freed, dear Carl…  …“

”What, they have to be released from toasters? I am not going to believe this!“

”But yes, Carl – according to “Star”, you can read it all in the London fire fighter report.…“

”Oh my God“, Carl moaned – before finally emptying his long-ago started glass of Riesling, wiping his tear-stained eyes several times with a paper towel and saying: “this makes me wonder why we at TRIGA rack our brains each season in order to come up with a new and even more sexy underwear collection if, according to ’Fifty Shades of Grey’ not only handcuffs and riding rods, but also common household appliances get the people horny? Toasters and vacuum cleaners, no less? There must be something wrong in the state of Denmark, don’t you think Gerlinde?“

”This is certainly a good question, Carl… “ Gerlinde said with fluttering eyelids and uplifted shoulders, “but then, maybe something is wrong with the two of us? Perhaps you and I are so dulled that we are no longer capable of enough fantasy to even imagine these kinds of things?“

”Gerlinde, now I think you are definitely going too far …“

”Why is that? Hannelore already read all three volumes of the trilogy …“

“And Kurt“?

“Is also only interested in the damaged ankle joints of this Grötze or Grütze…”

“Götze – Mario Götze, my dear Gerlinde… after all, the ankle joints of this ’God-like’ player are worth more than 30 million euros!“

“Carl, I must say you are definitively not quite that precious – even if I am already a little tipsy! But at least you could increase your only minimally less monetary value quickly by getting another one of these delicious bottles of Pinot Noir from our cellar. How would you feel about that?”

“But only if you promise to never put handcuffs on me – let alone in the nude – “ Carl insisted. He underlined this demand by sending another cold glass of Riesling through his now restored throat.
”Promised”, Gerlinde piped.

”Good. Then I will now be on my totally unleashed way to the dark cellar”, Carl grinned

”But before that, you must promise that you will never, under any circumstances, ever try anything funny with my household appliances. Swear it, Carl …“ Gerlinde babbled. Then she pushed her soiled plate with the cutlery far from her in a huge gesture and cautiously laid her now heavy head onto the table …

”I promise…“, Carl loudly and rather contentedly intoned. He was visibly happy about his vocal chords again being intact.

But since it was quite obvious that Gerlinde by no could no longer be reached through words, Carl thought to himself as he was on his way to the cellar that the ancient ones most certainly must have had their good reasons why they were always careful to leave kitchen work and housecleaning exclusively to the …!

After all, they wanted their libidinal young men to go to war un-maimed.  …

Not so today: the poor men not only have to do all sorts of female jobs, but are also attacked by toasters and vacuum cleaners …

Hard times have come, Carl murmured into the mouldy cellar – but on the next morning, he definitively had no explanation why he lay in bed totally dressed in trousers and pullover – and the sleeping Gerlinde was chained to him with pink handcuffs.


Kommentar verfassen