Klaus Hnilica
Thursday July 28th, 2011

Eohippus and Beer-and-Lemonade Addiction…

Carl and Gerlinde (XII)

“…now I really need an ice cold beer-and-lemonade mixture, and fast“, moaned Carl while he still felt every individual fibre of his over-heated athletic body after the flood of kilometres he had covered in record time …

“But hey, wasn’t that some achievement!“, he declared in such a firm voice that he even caught the attention of the guests from the neighbouring tables – while still dropping with perspiration into his tightly fitting windbreaker “Air Lemon”. He had really mastered the tour-de-force with flying colours, even though his “speedy Gerlinde” had not allowed him a single break…

But now, everything was well and forgotten: they both sat in front of their nice, huge, cold classes of beer-and-lemonade! And Gerlinde gamely toasted her lamenting Carl. She actually cheered this future Tour-de-France winner with enthusiasm!

Well, the pub on the way out of the village was really the right place for this kind of motivating praise! It was situated right on the cyclist’s path, was overflowing with guests, had one single vacant table on the veranda – and that was in the shadow, too: the Gods were really having mercy on our oppressed athletic hero Carl!


As an extra bonus, the innkeeper was such a nice man. He really seemed to serve all tables simultaneously and even while taking the orders for food and beverages, he roused a fascinating interest of the Danube percolation among his guests! He never stopped pointing out that said percolation was an unparallelled geological specialty. The only thing that made even better material was the fact that even hundreds of millions of years ago, some of the small eohippus had splashed around in the gurgling depths of this disappearing rivulet and cooling their fuzzy nostrils – mind you, we were talking the species eohippus. A most beautiful specimen of same had just been excavated in fantastically well-preserved condition on the opposite mountain slope…

In view of this archaeological sensation, Carl even forgot his very badly bruised bottom for a moment. With incredible presence of mind, he took advantage of the few milliseconds during which the talkative innkeeper had to take a breath, making sure that some more beer-and-lemonade in unlimited quantities for himself and his still disgustingly fresh Gerlinde would be available.

Afterwards, however, perfectly aware of those more than sixty kilometres they had ridden on their bikes – that was certainly how far the covered ground had been, even if Gerlinde persistently declared it had only been a laughable twenty – he leaned back contentedly. Since she was sitting with her back to the cyclists’ path, he happily told her about all those curiosities coming this way on their tandems, mountain bikes and racing machines! He reported weather-beaten mummies looking newly arrived from their last athletic competition, shocking colours worn like parrot costumes, of horse-faced men surrounded by long-legged, neon coloured gazelles, wearing light-blue helmets on their heads and of uncovered male bodies so hairy they need not have feared a contest against baboons.…

But alas – there actually were also some people riding quite normal bikes! They wore sports jackets with trousers, blouse and skirts, even hats and coats. With surprising speed, they made their way home or wherever else they were headed, which looked particularly strange to Carl …

After all, when Gerlinde, after half a year of psychological conditioning, had brought him around to agreeing to a three-day-tour along this Romantic Danube section, it was obvious for him that his bike outfit badly needed some upgrading: he had to buy a new bike that was up to the newest technological standards. The cool red-and-black ‚Back Roller Classic’ bike bags and the breathable t-shirts, as well as a minimum of two special pairs of trousers ‚Air Pro Gel’ in Neon Orange with several waistcoats against wind and rain were part of the agenda. And on top of this, of course, the extra-cool pink helmet, including goggles! No question!

The neighbours had to notice what he could afford to spend!

And with his figure, he had no problem wearing those loud outfits and riding any fast bike you could think of! He certainly had no reason to hide!

And yet, these super tight biker trousers were really merciless: as a well-endowed citizen who had worked hard for every individual ounce of muscle, you had no chance to hide anything beneath them. But when his constantly sneering Gerlinde had said his butt cheeks were hanging down on both sides like bags under the eyes, she had exaggerated in an absolutely unacceptable way! After all, the buttock upholstery of the ‚Air Pro Gel’ trousers enhanced the bottom muscles, which meant that they basically even made them seem more massy! The same was true for the front, where, luckily, there was still a visible bulg Mick Jagger with his ridiculous rabbit’s foot would have envied. To this day, Carl could not imagine how he had managed on the bike with this equipment! He was sure it cannot have been nice…

To be sure, around the upper legs, the new bike trousers – they were fitting perfectly around the middle – had a lot of room to move in, but in sporty neon orange, this looked quite classy, too! That was especially true if you looked at him from the side, which also gave a much less distorted optical impression of the total length of his legs: this sideways view also avoided the ‚bow-legs illusion’ – as he called it – caused by his extremely well-developed lower leg muscles! There certainly had never been the slightest hint of bowlegs when he wore his wide-cut suit trousers; consequently, this was something that could really be called ridiculously fictional!

As a matter of facts, Hannelore even admired the – as she called it – “sun-tanned wiriness“ of his legs. And she wished her Kurt, who looked more like a painted sausage on the bike, had something similar to boast of, instead of those milky spider’s legs with varicose veins more prominent than muscles! What an abomination!

Maybe the windbreaker ‚Vision’ in Neon Green was perhaps a little courageous? But Gerlinde liked it very much! Especially around the middle, it did not optically enhance anything. Above all, there was no additional embarrassing mound to the front, such as he often noticed when looking into mirrors or shop windows from the side – which, of course, were actually just an optical illusion!

The expensive windbreaker also beautifully underlined his well-proportioned shoulders, but the special touch was definitely added by those really cool – white ‚Compression Arm Pieces’!

Even Lance Armstrong would have suffered from an inferiority complex had he seen them on him…
Especially if he had also seen the ‚Power’ gloves in black-red-gold and the pink racer shoes ‚Pro 2011’ that were a perfect match with the helmet…

You could definitely not get more sleeky than that!

Even Gerlinde had to admit it, even though, in her usual ironic manner, she pointed out that only the colibris in the rain forest were more beautiful and colourful than he …

But, of course, she did not mean it in a negative sense at all. After all, deep inside, she was rather proud of her most beautifully endowed and gifted Carl! Well, that went without saying, didn’t it?  …

Consequently, after the extended break in this wonderful restaurant, he was considerate enough to let her drive well ahead during the last five or six of the more like ninety than sixty total kilometres they had been riding on this day-trip, which he felt sure gave her confidence …

Because, when you came down to facts, she never had a chance against him, did she?

Regardless of her super light toy of a bike!

As soon as he started giving power – on his ultra streamline electric bike – things really got going up! Truly …

KH
(Translated by EG)

PS:
And two weeks from now, on Thursday, August, 11th, 2011, we will be introduced to the dark-skinned Nahla in “The Magical Pill“.…

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