Carl and Gerlinde (XXII)
If things had been normal, Carl would have seen Gerlinde’s tight backside – instead of the carrion crow building her nest and therefore endlessly picking branches from the crown of the defenceless weeping birch! Because with this kind of Saturday morning in springtime, Gerlinde could have been depended on to bustle around amidst the early bloomers as early as the sun rose. She would have enjoyed the smell of the damp soil and none of the dithering worms underneath the mouldy clumps of leaves would have had a chance against her successful attempts at pointing them towards the already eagerly watching birds …
But things being as they were – all Carl did was sadly gaze at the sun-invaded garden from the patio with watery eyes after a meagre, self-made breakfast. Every corner of the garden was aching for Gerlinde’s ’green hand’!
Last spring, as Carl now remembered, he still had accompanied Gerlinde’s enthusiastic gardening with his competent remarks from the patio, helped by coffee and cigarillos! Incidentally, this, too, had not been pure joy, because Gerlinde had, by moaning in a rather demanding manner, cleverly managed to make him permanently give her a helping hand with various accessory services: a few cuts with the spade here, remove a branch there, throw this pile into the compost and please water this here. It could easily have happened for him to be made busy for the entire day in no time, had he not started setting his pegs at the right moment with determination!
And at the time it had been her wish to have the garden pond installed next to the laurel tree. Including ten sparkling gold fish which Hannelore and Kurt had generously contributed – and which now he had to deal with; just like he had to deal with the dirty brew, the water plants and the smelly mud…
Well, Carl wondered, maybe the pond was actually more important than cutting the tree. And that was something he definitely was not going to do himself. That called for an expert. Sucking intensely on his fourth Davidoff and immersed in his own thoughts, he made his way over the dew-wet lawn towards Gerlinde’s much-loved ’puddle’. He was already wearing his light trousers and white shirt for today’s leisure time.
Although not a single ray of sunshine illuminated the turbid water so far, Gerlinde’s gold fish were already busy! To be sure, they moved slowly, but still they moved! Carl knelt down and tried to motivate the small lazybones! Since, naturally, today there were none of Gerlinde’s complaints about not kneeling in the grass when he wore the light trousers, because it was impossible to wash grass marks away, he let himself be carried away by the small red-glowing lazybones to do more and more daring tricks. Soon, he was wet up to his elbows!
But careful! His watch! And the trousers also looked like they had suffered already! After all, he had to go and visit Hannelore and Kurt. At long last, they had once again invited him to have lunch with them – after that embarrassing Othello night. There was no way he could afford to let that become the next disaster…
All of a sudden, he felt his cell-phone vibrate in his breast pocket!
Without thinking, Carl dried his wet hands by once more rubbing across his light trousers. Instinctively, his hand moved to his trouser pocket, while the second hand shock off a nosy fly from his nose. Oh God – how his hands smelled of mouldy water! No – gardening would definitely never become his job. The atrocious smell alone was enough to keep him from it…
”Are you sure you are coming, Carl?“, Hannelore piped.
”Yes – yes“, Carl forced himself to say into the telephone – while having lost his balance a moment before and, to make matters worse, having landed fully in the wet lawn on his trouser backside …
”Carl, are you feeling well?“
”Yes – well, I only – just …“
”Carl – what is the matter?“
”Nothing, I only lost my balance and fell back.“
”Did you drink again?“
”No – yes, but not much!“
”That is what you always say!“
”No, do not worry …“
”But I am worried!“
”Oh – God, my bottom is wet!“
”Excuse me?“
”My backside, Hannelore, can you hear me – and the watch! But where is it – where is my Rolex. The one I got from Gerlinde as a birthday present?“
”Carl, tell me what is the matter with you? You sound totally confused.“
”The Rolex is gone …“
”Not true!“
”Well, it is. I was just busy annoying Gerlinde’s goldfish in the pond – and now the Rolex is gone.”
”No…?“
”Yes – before you rang up, I still had it!“
”Impossible! Perhaps it fell into the water?“
”No – no, absolutely not! Or may be yes?“
”Oh Carl, you really are unlucky these days, aren’t you …“
”Well, Hannelore, you can say that again!“
”What a shame, Carl.“
”Hannelore, I must ring off and look for the watch. I cannot rest otherwise. Please not to hold it against me, I will ring back, ok.“
The light trousers, the white shirt! Carl could not have cared less!
He threw himself at the edge of the fish pond and instantly started digging in the mud like crazy, using both hands and in water up to his shoulders; to be sure, he could not see anything in the dark brew, but once in a while he felt a goldfish – well, at least something – but unfortunately no Rolex!
Had he not just heard the front door bell ringing? What perfect timing. With him dirty all over …
But then he already heard the inimitable voice of Hannelore from the garden door and Kurt’s lamenting!
They both wore overalls and rubber boots; carrying a save-all, plastic buckets, rake and a dirt-water pump!
”Oh, yes “, Kurt sounded from afar “he who will not cherish the goldfish does not deserve the Rolex!“
”Now Kurt, stop these stupid slogans”, Hannelore scolded him “doesn’t Carl have enough to deal with already?”
”There you see, Carl, what a strong advocate you have!”, Kurt winked at him and, after a short discussion of the situation, he immediately took over!
Meanwhile, Carl made a fortunate exit, explaining that he had to bring a welcome drink; and Hannelore preferred seeing to the goldfish, while Kurt loudly developed the strategy.
But even after all the goldfish had been sitting in the plastic bucket for some time, the pond water had been pumped out, every square centimetre of the pool had been minutely inspected and the first round of beer had been drunk – there was still no Rolex to be seen anywhere …
”Hannelore, now the water plants must go, there is no other way” cried Kurt energetically “along with the stones“!
Still, Carl could not understand what all the fuss about this stupid watch was about! Why had he ever started playing around with those stupid fish in the first place?
Maybe Kurt had been right with his shallow slogan!
And Hannelore also made him jumpy: she kept asking where exactly he had stood when he first noticed the watch was missing; had it been over there or over there, on the other side, where Kurt now stood, or here in front of them …
He was definitely fed up with it! Still wet from top to bottom, he spontaneously turned around, took up the basket with all the empty beer bottles and went for more: beer was the only thing that could help in this situation.…
Yes, and just when he returned to the battlefield with the freshly filled basked, Hannelore, who, following orders, had already taken the water lilies out of the pond and put them into the bucket, not only gazed brazenly at Carl’s wet trousers. In a definitely rude manner, she looked between his legs!
She wined like a chainsaw, pushed Kurt away from the stones towards herself and yelled as she pointed towards Carl’s right upper leg.
”Carl, why don’t you put your hand into your right trouser pocket?“
”Why should I?“ he was dumbfounded as he put down the full basket.
”Just do it!“
”Ok, I will do it” as he said so, he started uncertainly looking down his own front.
”Oh my God, there it is – the Rolex! What a stupid dope I am?“
”You can say that again”, smiled Hannelore. “You should be glad Gerlinde is not here to witness it …“
KH
(Translated by EG)
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