As it is Sunday today, here is a fairy tale. It might sound familiar to some of you, and maybe you find it a little long. But at least it will put a smile on your faces.
After many years, God looked down upon the earth again.
The humans were corrupt and brutal. So he decided to swallow them all, just like he had done already a long, long time ago.
He said to Noah:
“Noah, build me another cedar wood Ark, like before: 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide and 30 cubits high. I want to bring another Deluge to the earth. The humans have learned nothing from the first one.
But you shall take your wife, your sons and their wives into the Ark and a couple of each animal. In six months, I will send the Great Rain.”
Noah swallowed hard:
“is that really necessary again? Another 40 days of rain and 150 uncomfortable days aboard ship, with all those tiresome animals and no TV set!
But Noah obeyed and promised to do everything just like God had ordered.
Six months later, black clouds darkened the sky and it started raining. Noah looked through the windows of his front parlour and cried, because there was no Ark.
“Noah“ shouted the master, “Noah, where is the Ark?”
Noah looked towards the heaven and said: “Master, have mercy”. The rest was silence.
Again, God asked: “Where is the Ark, Noah?”
Noah dried his tears and said:
“Master, what have you done to me?”
Here is Noah’s report:
“First, I applied for a building permission with the district office. Initially they thought I wanted to build an extravagant sheep pen. They had problems with the exceptional shape of my proposed building, because they did not want to believe I was applying to build a ship. The measurements you gave me, too, caused consternation, because nobody knows any more how long a cubit is. Consequently, my architect had to draw up a new plan.
First, the building permission was denied, because you cannot have a wharf in a living area. After I had finally found a suitable commercial property, the real problems started. For instance, now we are discussing if the Ark needs fireproof doors, a sprinkling mechanism and a fire water containers. When I pointed out that I was going to have more than enough water to quench fire with when the time arrived, the civil servants thought I was exposing them to ridicule. Me telling them that water was going to pour down in great quantities, much more than I would need for quenching, resulted in a visit to me by the district hospital doctor. He asked me why I wanted to build a ship on dry land, far away from water.
Then the district government told me to feel free to build a ship, but it was going to be my own responsibility to get to the nearest big river. They told me there was no chance of a floodgate being built since the prime minister had resigned. Later, another civil servant from the same office called me to tell me they are now very customer-oriented. Consequently, he felt it his duty to inform me that I could apply for wharf building subsidies from the EU at Brussels. He advised me, however, that eight copies of the application are necessary and that it has to be written in all three official languages.
In the meantime, my neighbour, who is a wholesaler of animal food, filed a preliminary administrative procedure at court. In his opinion, my plans are just a huge marketing gag – my entire ship-building, so he says, just aims at luring customers away from him. I already told him twice that I do not want to sell anything. He does not even listen to me. And the administrative court, too, seems to have plenty of time.
I stopped looking for cedar wood. It is no longer allowed to import Lebanese cedars. When I went into the forest to get some building material, they forbade me to cut wood under the state forest law. Cutting wood damages the ecological balance and the climate. Besides, I had to show them my reforestation certificate. When I countered that there was not going to be any nature very soon and that planting trees somewhere else was totally useless, I did not have to wait long for the next visit by the district hospital doctor.
Eventually, the carpenters I had hired promised to see to the timber. But first they elected a worker’s council. The first thing they did was trying and come to terms with me about a collective labour agreement for timber shipbuilding on dry land without water contact. When no consensus was reached, there was a strike ballot followed by a strike. Master, are you aware of what craftsmen cost these days? How am I supposed to pay them?
Since I was running out of time, I started collecting animals. Initially, it was quite a success. The two ants, in particular, are still doing quite fine. But after I had convinced two tigers and two sheep that it was absolutely necessary for them to co-exist peacefully, the local society for the prevention of cruelty to animals intervened. They told me my plans went against the nature of the animals. And my neighbour has again filed a suit, because he considers the opening of a zoo damaging to his company. Master, are you even aware of the fact that I also need approval according the European animal protection sports edict?
I have already reached page 22 of the form and at the moment I am wondering what to write under “travel destination”. And did you know that, for example, antlered animals may not be transported during their mating season at all? And the deer is fornicating all the time (as Countess Gloria would say), just like the common elk and ox think of nothing else, especially the ones from the south. Master, did you know that?
By the way, where did you hide the callipepia caliconica – you know, the quail and the lethamus discolor? Nor have I been able to find the swallow parakeet so far! I am sure you also know that I have to strictly follow the 43 rules of the domestic market animal protection law for the transport of coneys, don’t you? My lawyers are just busy trying to find out if the same rules apply to rabbits.
By the way: could you arrange for the Ark to be a ship sailing in German coast regions under foreign colours? That would make it a lot easier to get permission. Why don’t you, too, make some contribution towards my success? A Greenpeace representative told me I cannot dispose of manure, slurry, excrements and dung in the water. How do you think that should be managed? The first time around, I had no problem there!
Two weeks ago, the navy central command office contacted me to ask about a map showing the future flooded areas. I sent them a terrestrial globe painted blue all over. And ten days ago, officers of the tax collection department appeared at my front door. They suspect me of preparing for tax evasion. Master, I cannot go on like this. I despair! Wouldn’t it be a good idea to take my lawyer with me on the Ark, after all?”
Again, Noah started crying. Suddenly, it stopped raining. The heavens cleared and the sun shone once again.
And there was a beautiful rainbow. Noah looked up and smiled.
“Master, are you going to refrain from destroying the earth, after all?”
God said:
“I am no longer worried about that. Your administration will manage it without me!”
Noah, in 2010, in the beautiful alpine upland (Bavaria, Germany, EU)
This beautiful story, pictures included, can be found in the internet. Herr Nikolaus Bösl sent it to us. He got it from the local CSU chairman who, unfortunately, does not know the author, either.
RMD
(Translated by EG)
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