Carl was not even full, and already he was fed up!
Even though the innards at the „Stopfer“ on the “Rudolfplatz” were really excellent! Absolutely first class! And the beer to go with it – just superb!
So why did Gerlinde, again, have to start going on about that strange exhibition of paintings at the „Albertina“?
It might have been such a lovely day! Regardless of the sweltering heat!
But Carl knew pretty well that, as soon as Gerlinde started getting this tremolo in her voice, when the bridge of her nose turned narrow and white, then all resistance was destined to explode like a soap bubble …
So he said: “Okay, Gerlinde, if that is what you desire” and turned to order a second beer…
Suddenly, Gerlinde said: „But the Espresso will have to wait until later”, and started getting up.
Regardless of the merciless heat that by now had also reached the inside of the pub.
From the “Judenplatz” with its cubic Holocaust memorial, where they had only recently had those wonderful “Marillenknödel” at the eatery next door, Carl, visible suffering, made his way beside the eagerly marching Gerlinde towards the “Hohen Markt” and “Kohlmarkt”, until they reached the “Albertina”.
After millions had been spent to restore it, the Old Masters’ Paintings hanging on the wall in there now got wet feet whenever it rained too hard.
Putting the backpack into the cloakroom cost 50 cent. Well, that was not too bad, was it?
The entry fee at 12 Euros per person was not so cheap. But, as we all know, art – if that is what we must have – is not something you get for free! Basically, that is fine, because, after all, you want to be among your equals, don’t you?
In order not to give the two small beers a chance to later get an annoyance, a fast trip to the toilet is appropriate; or was it three big beers?
You get to all the individual show rooms by using the gorgeous steps up the stairs. Here, all the “Masterpieces of Modern Art” are on display. On the broad staircase, which is flanked by marble columns and mirrors, even Carl’s persistent ill-humour slid upstairs almost without effort.….
In the very first room, one of those impressive water lily pictures by Monet jumped towards him! Yet even better: it was delightfully cool in here! Carl wished he would never again have to go out into the heat. In fact, he would have been quite willing to spend the night among those pictures with Gerlinde. Maybe he should tell her? And show her how he enjoyed being here…
The strapping guardsmen in blue uniform looked rather withered to him! But it was quite a surprise how eagerly they rushed around all the rooms. They really looked like they were running for their lives, although certainly nobody was going to take their lives, not even their jobs. Wasn’t it bad enough as it was!
Sisley’s and Signac’s landscapes really looked good with these wonderfully low room temperatures. And what a nice idea to have the pictures hanging so close together. Less than three seconds went by before the next picture appeared before his view. He also always knew immediately who had painted it. A short time ago, when he had still dreamed of entering the TV show „Wetten dass“, he had undergone some intensive memorizing …
What did this young couple in front of him think they were doing? They always moved with him and kept blocking his view.
And look at their outfit. He looked like a re-vitalized Neanderthal man and she like Madonna in miniature! Some people were a real disgrace!
And where in the world was Gerlinde? Further on, perhaps?
No, she sat on the leather bench and enjoyed the impression an entire wall of twenty pictures made on her…
Her eyes were closed! Well, maybe it was not a good idea to talk to her right now about staying overnight…
Look what we have here: a boy in the nude!
Allegedly painted by Gauguin. Hm. That seemed a little strange to Carl, he had never seen this Gauguin. Was Gauguin gay? It almost looked like he was!
Well, he was quite familiar with those dancers doing pirouettes by Degas. That is definitely nothing new. The abstract “Indian’s Face”, as he always called it, by Jawlensky, was also something he knew: it was shown in the calendar Gerlinde had given him for Christmas two years ago – even if he had imagined the original to be larger. A lot larger, actually!
What a strange Indian couple with a daughter wearing golden pumps!
I wonder if the “Modern Masters and their Masterpieces” is something they know anything at all about? Well, probably not, or maybe yes, after all?
It looks like the Indian lady already has problems, anyway! She keeps massaging her upper legs all the time … Carl certainly would not have minded giving her a helping hand …
Suddenly there was an ear-splitting howl!
Carl felt cornered!
Everybody was terrified and looked past him at the attendant who was sprinting along the corridor and smiling bashfully while quickly de-activating the signal noise on her walkie-talkies. An Error! After another smile, she was gone.
She could not have cared less about Carl’s heart racing!
How this “pst! – pst!” got on his nerves! Absolutely inacceptable! A group of adolescents also had to endure the “Masterpieces of Modern Art”. They looked hardly fourteen!
They giggled, chatted and apathetically gaped at a Picasso among the “pst” of their art teacher; incidentally, same Picasso was not bad at all; but not for those greenhorns!
Surprise, surprise!
Four giggling girls let themselves fall onto an empty bench in the middle of the room and stretched their unclad legs out before them, sighing audibly; why had nobody painted those?
But who? Perhaps Chagall? Instead of painting this “Dreaming Girl under Apple Tree”! Carl would not have wished to dream under this wind-blown apple tree for all the money in the world – he was not suicidal, was he …
Talking about dreams: maybe alongside the nursing mother in blue hanging right next to it; what an obscene picture! Such an inviting bottom, not to mention the breast, where the small baby-man was sucking! And how he sucked! He did not want to stop, the piglet … understandably!
Well – the Ludwig Kirchner paintings were nothing special! But the strange southern-type gentleman wearing a hat took pictures of all of them; one after the other … where was the running attendant now? This guy looked like he was making preparations for an Eastern European gang who are going to steal the pictures later; it would not be the first time, either; we have been there before…
Oh Dear, the innards! Hadn’t he anticipated it!
Why had he ordered again, even though Gerlinde had shaken her head, anticipating evil as she looked at all those onions cooked with the innards!
But no, he had had to eat up the entire portion.
Now – it would certainly not be a good idea if Gerlinde found out how poorly he felt…
This damned exhibition never seemed to come to an end. Honestly!
As soon as you were through with one room, the next room full of pictures loomed ahead. And then another and another. And Carl had never liked Kokoschka. Neither had Gerlinde. Where was she, anyway?
“Head of Girl” by Renoir – well – that was more to his liking! The same was true for those figures by Rouault with the too thick frame.
I wonder how he would have drawn this obesity on two legs up there. What a ton! Unbelievable!
What people did to themselves! Well, fatty apparently did not have the problems Carl had! What a pity, in fact, it was not fair…
Before long, he would no longer be able to stand those pains! He had to hurry up a little. Now why was this clumsy oaf blocking his way?
She wrote something in her notebook at every single picture! Or did she copy the pictures? Perhaps for the Chinese? The way she looked, she seemed perfectly capable of it…
There was no time left for Carl! Running behind the attendant, he passed Arnulf Rainer who, again, had camouflaged his entire face at all times which, incidentally, was a huge advantage if you considered what kind of face we are talking, never noticed Gerhard Richter and Amseln Kiefer, instead instinctively stopped before Baselitz, whose figures, as usual, stood on the ir heads which, as he thought while running along, would have been the solution to his problem; with his kind of stomach problem, he would certainly have ascended to the heaven right away…
But his Gerlinde probably would still not have worshipped him… Where was she, anyway?
Carl signalled her and out he was – towards salvation!
Afterwards, they finally had the coffee Gerlinde had been waiting for so long in the “Cafe Central“. Along with a piece of “Apfelstrudel” with vanilla sauce. That was an absolute necessity.
Carl preferred drinking another beer!
Suddenly, his mobile phone rang! It was Kurt from Wiesbaden, who wanted to know how Carl was doing. „We are doing just find, Kurt. We just looked at a tremendously interesting art collection and now we are sorting out our minds!”
„Where we are doing the sorting – well, in the Cafe Central“
„Yes, in Vienna” Trotzki has also been here already, in the Central! “
„And Peter Altenberg is sitting right before us – no, not really, he is dead, after all. But a life-size doll-image of him!
„How the exhibition was called?“
„Gerlinde, what was it called? – Oh, yes, “Masterpieces of Modern Art“
„Kurt, it is absolutely fantastic. I am sure your Hannelore would also like it!Honestly! I was so impressed, Gerlinde never managed to get me out of there. It was full of famous names, from Gaugin, Kokoschka, Picasso, Renoir, Klee, Katz to Bacon.“
„No, I am not biting into bacon, I am not eating anything at all. But Gerlinde indulged in an “Apfelstrudel” and for lunch, we had wonderful innards“
„No, no Beuys; a “Beuschel” at the „Stopfer“!
„Kurt, the „Stopfer“ is a pub, not a Beuys!“
„No, I am not filling myself up with Beuys!“
„Neither am I full. Kurt, what are you thinking! But never mind. Give my love to Hannelore!“
„Well, Kurt has turned old, hasn’t he? My dear Gerlinde, I hope we will not go down as fast as he did!“
„Waiter – do you think I could get another portion of these innards from the lunch menu in a hurry?“
Klaus Hnilica
(Tranlated by EG)
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