… as I hear someone walking towards my door, I am immediately awake!
It does not matter if it sounds noisy or noisless, hollow or hard, fast or hesitant, whether someone comes towards my door, stops for a moment or goes away! If the steps seem to dance energetically, scuttle, scurry or seem aggressive…
No matter how they sound, I always hear them!
You cannot fool me! You cannot surprise me! I am always alert and will discover every message hidden behind the steps I hear in front of my door! And I will adapt to it from one second to the next. With every fiber of my body! With all my strength…
I know that the entire purpose of those steps in front of my door is one thing: to destroy me in an agonizingly slow way!
In fact, it might even have been myself who defined that purpose!
You cannot possibly top the absurdity of it all, can you? I am being liquidated according to my own re-educational and destruction program!
It all starts – I can disclose this much – quite harmlessly with a constantly increasing degree of intimidation of the traitor who is to be liquidated.
For instance by constantly changing steps in front of the hole he has chosen to hide himself in! Steps that initially you will not even notice. But by the time you consciously notices them for the first time, they make you uneasy. They scare you and make you panic. In fact, if they continue long enough, they will wear you down and perhaps make you admit your betrayal against the party and the community…
If this is not enough, the degree of aggression chosen by the program will systematically climb in various ways. Until finally the dissenter will break down at a moment that has been precisely planned. Then resources can be gently disposed of!
Although I know very well what will happen after the intimidation phase, I am not yet ready to break down under the pressure. Mind you, I am in no illusion about the fact that I will, at some time during the further procedures of the program they chose for me, of course, say everything the party wants to hear under the terrible torture they will exert …
But at the moment, I want to avoid at all costs making the reasons for my ideological about-face known. After all, it is one of the few decisions I made all by myself. It remains my personal secret and at the same time is my minimum protection against being crushed like a cockroach.
Because there is nothing the party fears and hates more than spontaneous dissenters who do not give reasons for what they did and who, on top of it, even dare to expose so-called lies of the party!
For the party, those whistle-blowers stand in a line with a number of bloodsuckers, frauds and con-men who ruthlessly use society’s resources for their unethical business, while the party alone claims the singular monopoly for using them!
Small wonder that the party exercised a merciless re-educational program on those prasites and roffraff. A program which basically consists of radical selection and elimination. Because only the “selected and reduced mass“ can be controlled in a way that guarantees that the goals of preserving resources in our country can be reached. Says the party!
Only the “selected and reduced mass“ can fulfill the set target of the party where each human may only use up that “part of energy and raw material“ that has been assigned to him or her. Says the party!
From the very moment of your birth, the appropriate “share of resources“ is calculated according to the party master plan, balanced and then made to fit with the common good. Says the party.
According to the party, this will help towards a fair ageing process for all!
Ageing will be something you can plan and thus it can be transformed into a commodity. Because, in this way, ageing is very tightly coupled with the use of resuorces. Consequently, age shares can be bought or sold. Says the party.
At long last, the program enables the empoverished masses to also get their share of the wealth by letting the more valuable party members benefit from their life-span accounts by selling to them. Says the party.
And it goes without saying that, as you strive to reach these great goals, you cannot permit sentimentalities that harm the party. Says the party.
This is even more true since emotions have always justly been considered a waste of resources by the party.
And resource legislation is the one thing that has priority over everythng else. Says the party!
Yes – I know the 2022 manifesto!
I know then entire resource optimization policy of this party – after all, it was me who developed it for them and wrote all of it!
But – and this is the first time I say it out loud – I no longer want to carry around and propagate this nonsense!
I can no longer do it! In particular, I can no longer do it after having been taken by surprise by this extra-terristrial smile last Tuesday!
It was a smile that, totally surprising and without any kind of warning, not only caused an intense wave of fulfillment in me, but also a shameful disgust directed against myself …
It is disgust which – as I openly admit – makes me puke day and night! It strangulates me and causes my eye sockets to bulge! It is a disgust which – and I am myself the one who is most surprised by it – in the shortest possible time propelled me back into my old, jumbled-up world. Your world!
Back among people who, like you, make one mistake after the next from morning to night.
Back among people who are forced to hold each other up in order not to drown in this shitty world and who perhaps in some way or other ”like“ each other – or some such thing. …
Back among people who, while wasting their resources totally irrationally, still seem to enjoy this sorry bit of life they have …
Of course, this sentimental regress should never have happened! I know it well and am perfectly willing to accept the consequences! At least as long as I can stand up to the torture that is to be expected before I break down ….
And I should never have caved in to the idea that has been slowly growing inside me for months that my agenda might be wrong! I should not have fooled myself into believing in my fragile steadfastness and the inconsistent state of my emotions. In particular, I should not have murmered such totally stupid and sentimental words as ‚fondness’, ‚charity’ and even ‚love’ on that particular Thursday. In fact, I should not even have thought those words! I should have known that the party’s pig’s ears I myself had ordered installed would hear everything and that their spies are everywhere …
Yes – I should have been acutely aware of all these facts when, on Tuesday at lunchtime, after years of monkish abstinence, I spontaneously decided to leave the central party building and stroll along the crowded main road …
But how should I have know that I would see this woman?
This young, brunette woman wearing the well-taylored coat and skirt who, as if she had fallen from the skies, suddenly walked before me with businesslike steps. She steered towards a news stand and her very appearance had such an effect on me that my breath caught in my throat and I slowed down …
She bought a package of cigarettes and a newspaper and, after having paid, let both glide into her leather bag with such a grazile and alluring movement that my chest constricted spasmodically and I could have cried like a baby on seeing this paragon of grace!
And then – as if this had not been confusing enough – she suddenly lifted her beautifully styled head, looked at me for a tiny moment in a disarmingly open way and smiled at me with a warmth I had never before experienced.…
And, of course, as you can imagine, I would have given everything in the world to smile back at her. Except I suddenly and totally unexectedly had to fight this eruptive heat wave creeping up on me which, shortly afterwards, turned into the aforementioned disgust and made me puke spontaneously. I never had the slightest chance of doing anything about it …
Luckily, it did not happen before the eyes of this ‚unknown heavenly creature’ but, praise be God, near the balustrade of the underground entrance. At the last moment, I had been able to support myself on the railing, although a crumpled-looking female beggar squatted in front of it. Actually, I had not noticed her, but still she stared at me with watery eyes and great forbearance when I threw up all over her.…
Totally stunned, I beckoned towards my minders and gave them a signal to take care of the poor woman. Then, in this utterly understandable state of inner turmoil, I – as I thought unobserved – dived into the masses of strollers and murmered the aforementioned unconsidered, super-sentimental words.…
A few houses down the road, I luckily discovered a pension I had never seen before. After a short survey of the situation, under a false name and without further thought I rented a room. …
Shortly afterwards, the steps in front of my door I mentioned earlier started. Soft, hesitant, hollow, hard, decisive steps.…
In any case, I am absolutely determined – even though I am no hero – to consider the newly discovered sentimentality, as well as the identification of spoiled resources that escaped me my personal, secret property. During the embarrassing inquest I will doubtless have to face, I will preserve and keep silent about them until I can – due to total exhaustion – only mumble incomprehensible nonsense. As a last memory, I hope to take with me that spring-like smile …
KH
(Translated by EG)
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