Currently, I sometimes write about sex. And electric bikes. Today, it is again about sex.
For me, this is not about sex as such. It is more because it makes me rather sad to see how this is a topic where there is so much hypocrisy and moralizing. And how people lie to themselves, perhaps because they are afraid of their own urges and sub-conscious wishes.
As I see it, we could live better lives if we did not damage our own lives and the lives of the “others” by installing unnecessary taboos and morals.
If, these days, my articles are breaking patterns, then it is certainly not because I want to hurt or insult anybody. It is only because I want to promote a little thoughtfulness and questioning of your own habits.
There was quite a bit of headwind coming my way after my article on “meetoo“ (meetoo). Basically, there were two statements:
(1) “Men, too, should be able to control themselves, no matter what they are currently doing“
and
(2) “No matter in which situation, we always have to respect another person’s right to self-determination”.
Well, both of these arguments sound nice to me. And actually, I try to live by them. And I also believe both should be true for all people and all sexes, not just for men
(note: incidentally, we now have three sexes. When it comes to sexuality, the bit now has three values – informatics insider).
But then let us take a close look at (1). What does “men, too” mean? Men in the same way as women? As children? Or as pets? Or as car-drivers? Is there anyone who should not be able to control himself/herself?
On reading (2) with diligence and time, my first idea is “wow, what a nice sentence”. But then, is it not utopia, or just a phrase? What do we see in reality, where we were socialized and where we socialize our children? In my life, it happened to often that I experienced the opposite of statement (2).
It would have been so nice if other people had respected my right to self-determination! Especially those in charge of my education and upbringing!
Is there any law that protects our self-determination? I am afraid there is none. Can I deduce the right to self-determination from the guarantee of human dignity? After all, freedom also means to “live your own life in self-responsibility”. And is that not frequently limited whenever someone says they “want to protect me”? From myself!
🙂 The only self-determination I know is the self-determination as far as my data are concerned. …
My “self-determination” suffered under more powerful people or issues all the time. I could give you an endless list of experiences in life from my childhood home, school, the army, my college education, my professional life, in special situations such as for instance traffic and the “shared” everyday life. My stories would fill many pages.
However, this does not concern me alone. In the public environment, I see almost constantly how people do not respect the right to self-determination of others at all. It happens in all the dimensions we share when living. And the most harmless kind is still “moralizing”, which can easily become mobbing.
Regardless, I try to live by (2). And by (1). However, living by (1) is not so easy, either. Is it really a good thing for me to always practice self-discipline? And why should I condemn, persecute and punish others just because they are courageous enough to do things I am not courageous enough to do? For instance if they take the liberty of telling another person that they think he/she is beautiful. For fear of being called sexist, I do not dare saying such a thing. Should I condemn them because I envy them their courage and their freedom? And should it annoy me that they will then get a positive reaction to their “outrageous behaviour”?
And as far as moralizing is concerned, let me – for a change – cite the new testament (only roughly, because you cannot do it in any other way). Let those who are free of fault throw the first stone!
After all, we must never forget that, when all is said and done, “humans” (we all) are just mammals. Sometimes more sympathetic and sometimes less so. Once in a while, we are full of enmity, and then again full of friendliness/humanity! To be sure, we are mammals who have a moral cerebellum, but it is still only the small part of the brain. And it makes people believe they are ever so wise, strong and free. Regardless of the fact that the really relevant memories and experiences are saved in the sub-conscious.
How do the Bavarians pay tribute to their Franz-Josef (Strauß):
“Well, he was quite a number, wasn’t he?“.
There is so much information (almost all of it) that we cannot consciously access. Basically and de-facto, the subconscious makes and prepares all decisions. We are not the noble, god-like race, without flesh and only made of soul that is so different from animals. Consequently, we should not try to pretend or, even worse, to become such a different species.
Basically, we have no un-influenced and conscious will. Which means that our criminal responsibility, too is only very limited and very artificially constructed. This (scientifically proven by modern neurology) highly probable reality is not something we like to hear. With many (most of the) people, it will usually trigger outrage and a strong counter-reaction. The consequence is that, for instance, a prison sentence given for wrong (socially detrimental) behaviour is no longer punishment but instead a measure that wishes to prevent things from happening again.
What I ask myself is: does it make sense and is it legitimate (in the sense of truthful) if I lift myself over “culprits” or even speak in terms of “culprit categories” by condemning them? What social advantage is there in me or us becoming part of a witch hunt and also, for instance, ignoring legal facts like, in such a case, the limitation period?
Thesis (1) – not being capable of self-discipline – is something especially men are accused of all the time. I am a man and do not know the “instinct urge situation” of women. Some women told me they also knew “urge-like situations”. I believe what they said, because it matches my own personal experience. Sexual drive is part of being human (or of being an animal?). To be sure, the intensity can differ, depending on the socialization or even the genetic predisposition. Perhaps even down to the zero set.
And I am sure you can lie to yourself by just pushing the sexual drive away. Perhaps in some cases even successfully. Or perhaps doing a lot of damage to yourself in the process. The very upright but latently homosexual citizen in the piece “Orpheus steps down” by Tennessee Williams comes to mind. He hates and prosecutes homosexuals with extreme vigour. Perhaps because he secretly feels that he himself is also homosexual – but in the upright-citizen-milieu of the quiet and well-organized small Dixie town, this is unthinkable! A stranger comes – and the witch hunt starts. It is a play I saw in the Kammerspiele and it really gave me pause.
So far, they have not really found out how the brains work in this respect, and consequently, I do not know it either. But I assume that the person who hates homosexuals and kills them because he is or might himself be homosexual suffers maximum unhappiness. As is so often the case when culprit and victim are the same.
What annoys me most about discussions like the one we currently have about sexism is that groups are severely criticized. For instance single mothers. I really have all the respect in the world for them.
I know people who actually discredit them. If they do not outright call them prostitutes, they at least accuse them of having carelessly become pregnant. After all, their cerebellum could have been watchful when the sexual drive came. After all, today everybody knows how you become pregnant. The physics teacher taught us all the poem for memorizing the words concave and convex: If the girl behaves, her stomach remains concave, but if she has sex, it will be convex.
Other – particularly virtuous – moralists say they should have said NO. Which indicates a failure in the sense of (1) “Women, too, should actually be capable of a little self-discipline, no matter what they are currently doing.“ And then there are the very strict moralists who say: “It is their own fault, why didn’t they have an abortion?“.
Of course, a pregnancy has something to do with sex, and it changes the life of a woman considerably. There are women who “chose the right method of contraception” and still became pregnant. For instance because they used a product like the “copper spiral” that has the characteristic “unreliable” even written in its product description (Pearl-Index). And it was developed from men for women.
Others have become pregnant because they were weak for a total of eleven minutes. It was a huge awakening for all parties concerned. Some corrected the error and had an abortion. They were often supported and encouraged by their social environment. That is also an area where I think nobody has the right to judge these people morally. That also goes for the men involved during conception because they could not control their sexual drive?
I admit that the temptation to postulate a moral demand such as “you must be able to say NO” is huge. Both in sex and corruption. Except, as I said above: “Who has the right to throw the first stone?” Why don’t we offer all people respect, instead of morally condemning them?
Mind you, there were times when it was even worse than now. I remember times when it was amoral for a woman to have an orgasm. Because sex included a sacred mandate to multiply and not meant for satisfying your lust. If a woman enjoyed sex, she was a harlot. And, as I already wrote, the men sought the harlot and wanted the saint at the same time.
Poor stupid, in this case male, cerebellum!
Let me say it again: using violence against other people is an absolute #nogo. It is totally irrelevant to what end you apply it. There is no justification. Here is a final provocation – which is not meant as it sounds, but only as an inspiration and impulse for another thought process:
Violence and the application of violence in the context of sexual urges is severely criticized and enthusiastically prosecuted.
That is OK!
The most brutal violence against people is tolerated, promoted and actively supported or organized. By the same people and the same society!
That is not at all OK!
RMD
(Translated by EG)
P.S.
In our society, contraception is in the hands of the woman as a matter of course. I think that is rather disrespectful towards WOMAN. It is another facet of the morals in our society that I would call sexism.
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